CLOSED Best Jokes Contest | Free Contest Win 2X$50 GiftCards

Posted:04.07.2012, 05:38

Can we post more than one???

Posted:04.07.2012, 06:01

WHATS THE ONE_DAY OF THE WEEK FISH HATE THE MOST?
ANSWER!!!! FRY_DAY, DRANDDAUGHTER TOLD ME THAT THE OTHER DAY

**Moderator**

Posted:04.07.2012, 23:24

A guy hears a knocking on his door. He opens it up, and no
one is there. He looks all around and he finally sees a
little snail sitting on the doormat. He picks it up and
throws it across the street into a field.

Ten years go by, and one day he hears a knocking on his
door. He opens it up and no one is there.

He looks all around, and he finally sees a little snail
sitting on the doormat.

The snail looks up and says, "What the hell was that all
about?"

**Moderator**

Posted:06.07.2012, 18:46

Do you know the difference between mayonnaise and sperm ???
Mayonnaise doesn't hit the roof of your mouth going 70 miles per hour.

**Moderator**

pumamom, Oh my goodness!

Posted:08.07.2012, 09:13

Horrible story

The teacher gave an assignment to her fifth grade class :
Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the kids came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: spilled milk and pennies saved.

But then the teacher realized that only Janie was left.
"Janie, do you have a story to share?'

''Yes ma'am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy. She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival knife.

She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn't break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, killed four more with the knife, till the blade broke, and then she killed the last Iraqi with her bare hands.

''Good Heavens,' said the horrified teacher. 'What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?

"Stay away from Mommy when she's drunk."

Posted:08.07.2012, 09:20

Horrific car accident

A blonde had just totaled her car in a horrific accident. Miraculously, she managed to pry herself from the wreckage without a scratch and was applying fresh lipstick when the state trooper arrived.

"My God!" the trooper gasped. "Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma'am?"

"Yes officer, I'm just fine!" the blonde chirped.

"Well, how in the world did this happen?" the officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.

"Officer, it was the strangest thing!" the blonde began. "I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ..."

"Uh, ma'am", the officer said, cutting her off. "There isn't a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth".

Posted:08.07.2012, 12:13

Redneck joke... logic...

Two rednecks decided they weren't going anywhere in life, and thought they should go to college to get ahead.

The first redneck went in to see the counselor, who told him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asked. The professor answered by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weed eater?" "I sure do." said the first redneck.

"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" said the redneck.

The professor continued, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck said, "Amazin!"

"And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife," continued the professor.

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right!" exclaimed the redneck. "Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walked back into the hallway, where his friend was still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asked the friend.

"Math, History, and Logic!" replied the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend.

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed eater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"You're QUEER, ain't ya?"

Posted:13.07.2012, 01:44

Teacher: 4 crows are sitting on a fence ....if you shoot one, how many are left?
Little Timmy: none...cause the rest will fly away.
Teacher: well ,... no ,....thats not the right answer I was lookin for.Timmy. The answer is 3. But ,...I like the way u think.

Little Timmy: Hey teach ......3 women are in an ice cream parlor eating ice cream cones.....One of em is licking her cone, one is sucking her cone and the other one is biting her cone .Which one of em is married?
Teacher : hmmmmm.... the one sucking her cone,of course.
Little Timmy: NOPE.....its the one with the wedding ring on....BUT,...I like the way u think!

Posted:13.07.2012, 01:51

Does this kind of thing ever happen to you?

**Moderator**

Breeze, HAHAHAHAH!!!

Posted:15.07.2012, 23:54

I assume all the children have been put to bed by now!!
so here ya go!

This big burly lumberjack goes to see a doctor.
"So what brings u here? asked Doctor Holmes .
"Well" begins the lumberjack, in an extremely high pitched voice. "Its my voice.Over the years my voice has risen to this high pitch and I dont know why."
"Lets have a look at ya" replies the doc.
After a full examination, Doctor Holmes tells the lumberjack his diagnnosis.
"Your dong is ...well , too darn long and all that weight is pulling down on your vocal chords,causing the extreme high pitch."
"Well ya gotta do something doc," begs the high pitch voiced Lumberjack in desperation. " I cant stand this voice. All the guys at work are always making fun of me. I Just hate it! Is there anthing at all you can do for me,Plz?"
Doc Holmes thinks about it for a few seconds,"Well, I could perform surgery on you ,maybe ,take out a few inches or a little more and that willl alleviate some of the presssure and your voice would then return to normal."
"Do it" shrieks the lumberjack ,"anything to get the guys to quit laughing at me!!!
So the lumberjack has the surgery,and his voice returns to normal.The guys all quit making fun of him and all seemed good. Until...one day the lumberjack went back to see the Doc for a check up.
"Hey doc,"the lumberjack begins explaining to the Doc in a deep bass voice.
"The guys all quit making fun of me and we're all good buddies now and hang out together .....but I'm not having to good a time with the ladies. Is there any possible way I could get some of that back?"
"Well," replied Doc Holmes, in an extremely ,high pitched voice. "I dont think so"

Posted:16.07.2012, 02:01