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Posted:05.10.2012, 10:11

Last weekend I saw something at the Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary, and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser. The consequences of the Taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse effects on her assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two triple-A batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to wife what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right?!!!

There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water.

Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5 inches long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference -- pretty cute, really -- and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries, thinking to myself, "No possible way!"

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, "Don't do it, master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad.... I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a Taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three-second burst would be considered conservative.

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up, and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get up there???

My triceps, right thigh, were still burning and twitching. My face felt as if it had been shot up with Novocain and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.

Still in shock

Posted:05.10.2012, 15:17

Costume Party

A couple was invited to a swanky Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take an aspirin and go to bed, and no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife after sleeping soundly for an hour awakened without pain and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. Her husband didn't know what her costume was. She thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he would act when she wasn't with him.

She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could, and cropping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife sided up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. She had let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little quickie. In fact two. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got back into bed wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.

She was sitting up reading when he came in. She asked what kind of time he had. He said "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there."

Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never danced one dance. When I got there I met Pete, Bill, and Paul and some other guys, so we went into the den to play poker all evening. But you're not going to believe what happened to the guy I loaned my costume to!!!!!!!"

**Guest**

A woman was sipping a glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband, and she says, "I love you so much I don't know how I could ever live without you"...Her husband asks, "Is that you or the wine talking?" She replies, "It's me talking to the wine!"

Posted:12.10.2012, 07:33

Walmart theme song......

....

Expired Link. Check out our Casino Bonus Forum for a list of current bonuses.

Posted:12.10.2012, 12:00

why were the three blondes up on top of the house?

they heard the drinks were on the house!

Posted:12.10.2012, 12:09

there were two blondes sitting on a park bench watching the stars, when one said to the other which do you think is closest the moon or miami?
the other one answered HELLOOOOOO .... CAN YOU SEE MIAMI?

Posted:16.10.2012, 16:59

The Glass Eye Bet

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you fifty dollars that I can bite my right eye."

The bartender says, "Yeah, right! I've never seen anyone do that!"

So the man takes out his glass eye and bites it. The angry bartender pays the man his fifty dollars and the man walks away.

He comes back half an hour later and says, "I bet you fifty dollars I can bite my left eye."

Now the bartender becomes really skeptical. She says, "I just saw you walk in here -- you can't be blind!"

So he takes out his false teeth and bites his left eye. The bartender pays him his money and he walks away.

Half an hour later he returns to the bar. "I'm going to give you a chance to win your money back. I bet you five hundred dollars that I can pee in a glass fifteen feet away."

The bartender knows that this is impossible, so she agrees to the bet and puts a glass exactly fifteen feet away. The man stands on the bar and pees everywhere but the glass.He happily pays a smiling bartender one hundred dollars.

Bewildered, the bartender asks the man why he is so happy. He replies, "I bet that man over there five thousand dollars that I could pee all over your bar and you'd be happy as hell."

Posted:17.10.2012, 08:29

**Guest**

A man feared his wife wasn't hearing as well as she used to & he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem. The Doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss. Here's what you do," said the Doctor, "stand about 40 ft away from her in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.If not, go to 30 ft, thaen 20ft, and so on until you get a response." That evening the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 ft away, let's see what happens." Then in a normal tone he asks, "Honey, what's for dinner?" NO RESPONSE... So the husband moves closer to the kitchen, about 30 ft away from his wife and repeats, " honey, what's for dinner?" STILL NO RESPONSE... Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 ft. from his wife and asks, " Honey, what's for dinner?" NO RESPONSE... So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 ft away " Honey what's for dinner?" Again there is NO RESPONSE... So he walks up right behingd her... "Honey, what's for dinner?"
"Ralph, for THE FIFTH TIME, CHICKEN!"

Posted:03.11.2012, 09:31

a few stolen jokes...how funny...

I bought a box of animal crackers and it said on it "Do not eat if seal is broken." So I opened up the box, and sure enough... (Brian Kiley)

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U C L A.

(Remember the Alamo!)
Davy Crockett had 3 ears. A left ear, a right ear and a wild frontier.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

(spanish flies like there's no manana -chillymellow) ouch!

Posted:03.11.2012, 10:04

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was
really pissed, she wanted a new car.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE !!"

The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway.

Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house.

She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Posted:12.11.2012, 10:05

NO SEX Since 1955

A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.

There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation.

"Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner.

Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."

(Gotta love military time)

Posted:12.11.2012, 11:57

*STAY ALERT! They walk among us. They REPRODUCE...and They VOTE!!!

Idiot Number One
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center.
Today, this woman called in very upset because
she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her
that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her
daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the
conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant
poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better
bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away!

Idiot Number Two
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal
a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it
out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on
the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It
turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator
beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer
employed at Boeing.

Idiot Number Three
A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the
Branch and wrote this, "Put all your muny in this bag." While standing
in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that
someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he
reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes
in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it
and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest
light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup
note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that
he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back
to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK" and left. He was
arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of
America.

Idiot Number Four
A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that;
measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later
received in the mail a ticket for $40 and a photo of his car. Instead
of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40.
Several days later, he received a letter from the police that
contained another picture, this time of handcuffs. He immediately
mailed in his $40. Wise guy...

Idiot Number Five
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded
all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash
in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the
counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as
well, but the cashier refused and said, "Because I don't believe you
are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to
give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the
robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the
clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21
and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store
with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name
and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested
the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Six
A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving
revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner
moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

Idiot Number Seven
Arkansas: Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd
just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze,
and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his
head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him
unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass.
The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot Number Eight
I live in a semi-rural area. (Weyauwega, Wisconsin). We recently had
a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request
the removal of the 'Deer Crossing' sign on our road.

The reason: "Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't
think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore."

**Moderator**

This contest is closed and the winners will be announced tomorrow!

Posted:22.11.2012, 15:50

here pull my finger !