CLOSED Best Jokes Contest | Free Contest Win 2X$50 GiftCards

Posted:18.06.2012, 03:00

what did the chicken say when he had a haircut

it wont be long now

**Moderator**

hong kong,

Posted:21.06.2012, 08:39

Two strangers were seated next to each other on the plane when the guy turned to the beautiful blonde and made his move by saying, “Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The blonde, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly, and said to the guy, “What would you like to discuss?”

“Oh, I don't know,” said the player. “How about nuclear power?”

“OK,” said the blonde. “That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?”

“Oh brother,” said the guy. “I have no idea.”

“Well, then,” said the blond, “How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?”

**Moderator**

brunett,

Posted:23.06.2012, 10:02

OK THIS IS KIND OF A DIRTY JOKE FOLKS SO IF YOU'RE NOT INTO THAT KIND OF THING, YOU DON'T WANT TO READ MY JOKE!

Q: What do you call a hooker with a runny nose?

A: Full
(haha:D haha)

**Moderator**

howsmydictate, No comment!

**Moderator**

Who else has some jokes?

Posted:24.06.2012, 08:35

Jacob, age 92, and Reba, age 91, are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore. Jacob suggests they go in. Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
Jacob: "We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?"
Pharmacist: "Of course we do."
Jacob: "How about medicine for circulation?"
Pharmacist: "All kinds."
Jacob: "Medicine for rheumatism, scoliosis?"
Pharmacist: "Definitely."
Jacob: "How about Viagra?"
Pharmacist: "Of course."
Jacob: "Medicine for memory problems, arthritis, jaundice?"
Pharmacist: "Yes, a large variety. The works."
Jacob: "What about vitamins, sleeping pills, geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?"
Pharmacist: "Absolutely."
Jacob: "You sell wheelchairs and walkers?"
Pharmacist: "All speeds and sizes."
Reba speaks up and says to the pharmacist: "We'd like to register here for our wedding gifts, please."
QUOTE OLD AGE , NOT AS BAD AS IT SEEMS!!!!!!!!!!

Posted:25.06.2012, 04:05

Going to the Bathroom @ the Kentucky Derby
A group of 3rd, 4th, and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack, (Churchill Downs ) to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry (Bourbon), but mostly to see the horses.When it was time to take the children to the bathroom, it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the mens room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their 'wee-wees' to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'

'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race, but I appreciate your help.'

Posted:25.06.2012, 04:12

Caught Speeding

Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Woman: Lost it 4 times for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you want to see.

The Officer looks at the woman, slowly backs away to his car, and calls for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle
please!

The woman steps out of her vehicle.

Woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.

Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers.

The first officer is stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands it to the officer. The officer snaps open the clutch purse and examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have a license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up the owner.

Woman: Betcha the lying bastard told you I was speeding too.

**Moderator**

gjr1961, HAHAHAHAHH~~~~!!!

Posted:25.06.2012, 08:36

This analogy makes perfect sense!

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE INEVITABLE CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become.

Therefore, one might conclude, there must be a ton of men in Washington obsessed with playing marbles!

(This would be the &%(^$'s that took away our right to gamble online !)

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Posted:25.06.2012, 09:11

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All the children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early dismissal.

Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can leave early today."

Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart and will answer the question."

Teacher: "Who said ' Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."

Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."

Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.

Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."

Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."

Johnny is even madder than before.

Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"

Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."

Teacher: "That's right Nancy , you may also leave."

Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer any of the questions.

When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would keep their mouths shut!"

The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"

Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"

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**Moderator**

webdeb,

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Posted:26.06.2012, 10:31

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman are driving through the desert when their car breaks down. So they have to get out.

The Englishman takes a bottle of wine with him, the Scotsman takes an umbrella and the Irishman takes a car door.

On the way they meet this old man.

He says to the Englishman "I know why you've got the wine so you can have a drink when your thirsty",

He says to the Scotsman "I know why you've got the umbrella to keep the sun off you",

"but" he says to the Irishman "Why have you got the car door?"

The Irishman replies "If I get hot I can wind the window down!"
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***I DO NOT have anything against the Irish!!Just thought it was funny

***