CLOSED Best Jokes Contest | Free Contest Win 2X$50 GiftCards

Posted:26.06.2012, 22:18

CIGARETTES AND TAMPONS

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up & down the aisles..

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife..

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, 'Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, 'You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store

to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco

and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo- ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she.

(I figure this guy is the one on the milk carton!)

OMG - I laughed my ars off at this one!!

Thanks for the contest!!

Rae

Posted:26.06.2012, 22:20

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

How true is that!!!

Thanks again

Rae

Posted:26.06.2012, 22:22

WHO DOES WHAT

A man and his wife were having an argument about who

should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it because you get up first,

and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.

The husband said, 'You are in charge of cooking around here and

you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and
besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me..'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says 'HEBREWS'

YEAH, I HAD TO READ IT TWICE - THEN ROFLMAO

Rae

Posted:26.06.2012, 22:25

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they
passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the husband asked sarcastically, 'Relatives of yours?'

'Yep,' the wife replied, 'in-laws.'

THANKS AGAIN

Rae

Posted:27.06.2012, 04:02

woman goes to her priest with a problem.

"Father," she told him, "I have two female parrots rescued from a house of ill-repute. But the only thing they ever say is: 'Wanna have some fun?'"
"That's terrible!" exclaims the priest. "But I think I can help. Bring your parrots over to my house, and I will put them in with two male parrots whom I have taught to pray every day. My parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase."

The next day the woman brought her female parrots to the priest's house. His two male parrots were holding rosary beads and quietly praying in their cage. The two female parrots were put in the cage with them. The females immediately began their routine: "Hi, wanna have some some fun?" One male parrot looked at the other male parrot and said: "Put those beads away, our prayers have been answered."

Posted:27.06.2012, 04:16

There once was a man who really loved Tractors. He collected them, he drove them around town, he went to tractor shows, he loved anything to do with tractors. One day, at a tractor show, he got hit by a tractor and was severely injured. After months in hospital and rehab, he finally got his life back on track, but he hated tractors, he didn't want anything to do with tractors any more. One day he was walking past a burning house with people trapped inside. There was so much smoke that the fire fighters couldn't get in. So the man walked up to the house and with a huge breath, sucked all the smoke out, long enough for the fire fighters to enter and save the people. Afterwards, a fireman said to the man "that was amazing! How did you do it?" the man replied "I'm an ex-tractor fan."

Posted:27.06.2012, 05:02

THIS IS A REALLY DIRTY JOKE SO BEWARE!!!!!!!!!Penis Promotion Request

A penis requests a promotion and a raise for the following reasons:

1. Has to work hard.

2. Has to work at great depths.

3. Has to work upside down.

4. Has no ventilation or air conditioned work environment.

5. Has to work in a high humidity environment.

6. Has to work at high temperatures.

7. Does not get weekends and holidays off.

8. Does not get time off after extra hours of work.

9. Has a hazardous work environment that often causes illness.

This is the management reply.

Request denied for the following reasons.

1. Does not work 8 hours straight during any work period.

2. Does not answer immediately to all requests.

3. Co-workers often unsatisfied by job performance.

4. After a short activity period, falls asleep.

5. Shows no evidence of fidelity at the workplace.

6. Works better alone than with others.

7. Does not work at all unless pushed from behind.

8. Does not leave the workplace clean after finishing work.

9. Sometimes leaves work too early.
!!!!

Posted:27.06.2012, 06:23

Mothers Worst Nightmare

Dear mum,

I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.

I have a boyfriend, his name is Dragon and he lives in a trailer in the woods he wears biker clothes and deals Ecstasy.

I am moving in with him and I am four months pregnant.

His friends will come over all the time so I can get a little frisky with them.

We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to Dragons friends as are both already drug addicts, we will live a life of drugs beer and all the sex.

Wish us luck
Katie

P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.

Xx

Posted:27.06.2012, 06:25

Why did you have to die?

A man was at a grave yard.

He began to moan "Why did you die oh why did you have to die?"

A passer by knelt down next to the man and said "Was this person very close to you?"

"No, actually i never met him!" replied the man
"Why are you moaning then?" asked the passer-by coursously.
"He was my wife's first husband!"

Posted:27.06.2012, 06:28

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then closed and went back into the house.

A little later she came out of her house again and went to the mail box. She opened and shut it again. Angrily, she went back to the house.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her: "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied: "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying: 'You've got mail!'"

Posted:27.06.2012, 08:58

Fishing Trip, Pajamas...

A man called home to his wife and said:

"Honey I have been asked to go fishing up in Canada with my boss and several of his friends. We'll be gone for a week. This is a good opportunity for me to get that promotion I've been wanting, so could you please pack enough clothes for a week and set out my rod and fishing box? We're leaving from the office and I will swing by the house to pick my things up."

"Oh! Please pack my new blue silk pajamas."

The wife thinks this sounds a bit strange but being the good wife she is, did exactly what her husband asked. The following weekend he came home a little tired but otherwise looking good. The wife welcomed him home and asked if he caught many fish?

He said, "Yes! Lots of Salmon, some Bluegill, and a few Swordfish. But why didn't you pack my new blue silk pajamas like I asked you to do?"

The wife replied, "I did. They're in your fishing box."

**Moderator**

You guys are cracking me up!!!

Posted:27.06.2012, 12:11

A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgeon. As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the bird's chest.

After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said; "I'm sorry, your duck (Cuddles) has passed away."

The distressed woman wailed; "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead." replied the vet.

"How can you be so sure?" she protested. "I mean you haven't done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around, and left the room.

He returned a few minutes later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table, and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.

A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly, and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said; "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

The vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman. The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!" she cried; "$150 just to tell me my duck is dead!?"

The vet shrugged; "I'm sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $20, but... with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now $150."

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Posted:27.06.2012, 12:13

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?' 'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?' He yelled back, 'OHIO STATE!' And they say blondes are dumb!

Posted:27.06.2012, 13:03

What do gay cows eat?

A: Heeeeyyyyyyyy (high pitch girly voice)

What do dyke cows eat?

A: HEY! (said quickly with a deep manly voice)