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**Moderator**

nathanbernard,

Welcome to noluckneeded!

Posted:19.07.2012, 17:50

10 funny burglar stories...

1. Investigating a purse snatching in Brunswick, Georgia, detectives picked up a man who fit the thief's description and drove him back to the scene. He was told to exit the car and face the victim for an ID. The suspect dutifully eyed the victim, and blurted, 'Yeah, that's the woman I robbed.'

2. In Nashville, they tell of a burglar who fell asleep on the sofa of the home he was robbing, only to be awakened by police.

3. In Thibodaux, Louisiana, a robber with a thick Cajun accent couldn't get restaurant patrons to understand his demand for money. Frustrated, he whipped out his gun, but it wouldn't fire. Grabbing the cash register, he ran......but got only three feet before falling down. The register was still plugged into the wall. Unplugging it, he tried again, but a diner knocked him and called the police.

4. In Rhode Island, police were sure they had the right man when the suspect in a string of coin-machine thefts paid his $400 bail entirely in quarters.

5. Texas authorities, responding to a store robbery, seized a man who was fleeing naked. He said he'd stripped after the job because he figured his clothes would make him identifiable.

6. In Lawrence, Kansas, officers tracked a midnight thief who prided himself on his running speed by following the red lights on his high-tech tennis shoes.

7. In Virginia, a janitor went to great lengths to avoid ID. in a "Seven-Eleven" robbery, using a ski mask and rental car for the occasion. But he also wore his work uniform, which said "Cedar Woods Apartments" and had his name, Dwayne, stitched across the front.

8. Two robbers in Michigan, USA, entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him.

9. A robber, in a town in Germany, was caught after he escaped with his swag but he left his trousers behind. Police successfully arrested him at a railway station trying to board a train in his underpants.

10.A bungling Australian car thief was nabbed after accidentally locking himself in the vehicle he was trying to steal in Adelaide, Australia.

You couldn't invent these funny occurrences.

**Moderator**

gjr1961, HAHAHAH!!

Posted:26.07.2012, 14:15

Remo, who was a painter of international repute, started losing his eyesight in the prime of his career. Naturally, he was very worried about the problem which would ultimately destroy his career, so he went to see Dr. Mehta, who was considered one of the best eye surgeons in the world.

Dr. Mehta put in his best efforts and after several days of delicate surgery and therapy, Remo's eyesight was restored. Remo was so overwhelmed and thankful, that he decided to show his appreciation by repainting the doctor's entire office.

Remo painted a massive eye on one of the walls of Dr. Mehta's office. After completing his work, the painter held a press conference to disclose his latest work of art: the doctor's office.

During the press conference, a reporter asked Dr. Mehta, "What were your first thoughts when you saw your newly painted office, particularly that large eye on the wall?"

The doctor responded, "I said to myself 'Thank Heavens I'm not a proctologist.'"

Posted:26.07.2012, 14:21

A group of biologists are traveling in a truck to conduct some research in a hilly region, when the driver loses control of the vehicle. The truck overturns and runs down the hills, crashing at the bottom & killing all the biologists.

All of them arrive in Heaven. They are all asked a question, "If you are in your casket and you could hear your friends and family mourning about your death, what would you like to hear them say about you?"

The first guy who is a good botanist says, "I would like to hear them say that I was one of the best botanists of all time, and left an eternal contribution to the world of botany."

The second guy who is an ornithologist, says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful birder and made a huge difference in the recovery of our bird populations."

The third guy, who is a scruffy mammalogist, replies, "I would like to hear them say... 'LOOK, HE'S MOVING!!!' "

Posted:28.07.2012, 10:05

What has A head board and Foot board And Women make it Everyday ?

Answer is BED

**Moderator**

Destiny,

Posted:29.07.2012, 04:17

Colon

All the organs of the body were having a meeting....

Trying to decide who was the one in charge. "I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum
And insulted him,
So in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
The stomach was bloated,
The legs got wobbly,
The eyes got watery,
And the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
The Moral of the story?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge

Posted:30.07.2012, 18:27

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,

Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as
NBA 5.0,
NFL 3.0 and
Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.

Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,

Desperate

DEAR DESPERATE,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.
If that application works as designed, Husband1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:
Cooking 3.0 and
Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!

Tech Support

Posted:04.08.2012, 00:34

For all those men who say, "Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free". Here's an update for you. Nowadays 80% of women are against marriage, why? Because women realize it's not worth buying an entire
Pig, just to get a little sausage...

**Moderator**

skullhed,

Posted:07.08.2012, 20:47

so true......

Posted:08.08.2012, 16:10

Two Reasons Why It's So Hard To Solve A Redneck Murder: Firstly, the DNA all matches and secondly, there are no dental records.

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Posted:09.08.2012, 08:08

FIRST KNOWN PICTURE OF MICHAEL PHELPS

Posted:11.08.2012, 03:09

What do you call a lesbian with long fingernails?

Single!!

bahaha