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Posted:11.08.2012, 03:18

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep.

Sometime in the middle of the night Holmes woke Watson up and said: “Watson, look up at the stars, and tell me what you see.”

Watson replied: “I see millions and millions of stars.”

Holmes said: “and what do you deduce from that?”

Watson replied: “Well, if there are millions of stars, and if even a few of those have planets, it’s quite likely there are some planets like earth out there. And if there are a few planets like earth out there, there might also be life.”

And Holmes said: “Watson, you idiot, it means that somebody stole our tent.”

Posted:11.08.2012, 03:25

In some foreign country a priest, a lawyer and an engineer are about to be guillotined.

The priest puts his head on the block, they pull the rope and nothing happens -- he declares that he's been saved by divine intervention-- so he's let go .

The lawyer is put on the block, and again the rope doesn't release the blade, he claims he can't be executed twice for the same crime and he is set free too.

They grab the engineer and shove his head into the guillotine, he looks up at the release mechanism and says, "Wait a minute, I see your problem...."

**Moderator**

ll527ws,

Posted:12.08.2012, 01:23

**Moderator**

ll527ws,

Posted:12.08.2012, 14:21

a long haul driver pulls his big rig into his driveway after a couple weeks on the road and see's the neighbor boy sitting on the curb with a bag of MnM's and a cat sittin next to him then he ate some MnM's then he bit a cat then stood up and move down a step and did it all over again so i said boy what the hell you doin the boy said im playing truck driver i said what do you mean boy he said im poppin pills eating pu--y and moving on down the road

Posted:13.08.2012, 08:54

Doctor: "I have good news and bad. The good is you have 24 hours to live."
Patient: "Oh no! then what's the bad news?"
Doctor: ???I forgot to call you yesterday."

thanks tdat

Posted:14.08.2012, 17:33

Next Time, Let’s Stay in a Hotel

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake. “I’ll go into town for a doctor,” the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the only doctor delivering a baby. “I can’t leave,” the doctor says. “But here’s what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground.” The guy runs back to his friend, who is in agony. “What did the doctor say?” the victim cries. “He says you’re gonna die.”

**Moderator**

You guys are funny!

Posted:18.08.2012, 13:19

RECTUM STRETCHER

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot asshole ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket - $95.00
Court Costs - $45.00
Look on the Cop's Face? PRICELESS !!!

Posted:18.08.2012, 13:35

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

A koala was sitting in a gum tree...... smoking a joint

when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.' So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints.

After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river. The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned too far over and fell into the river.

A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the rain forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, 'Hey you!

So the koala looked down at him and said,

'Shiiiiiiiiiiit, dude..... How much water did you drink?!!

Posted:19.08.2012, 10:43

Unmistakable Signs you are a Drunk

# Although armed with fire extinguishers, your family stood at a safe distance as you blew out your birthday candles.

# Thanks to you, Bourbon Deluxe Bourbon stock is up 15 1/4 since Thursday.

# Vladimir Putin called personally to ask you to slow down on the Stoli.

# For some reason, there's salt on the rim of your basketball goal.

# For the money you spent on Thunderbird, you could've bought the car.

# You're now the proud inventor of the "Slim Jim": Ultra Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

# Answering machine full of warnings from Coach Switzer.

# Smirnoff wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver in the shape of a bottle.

# Dry cleaners and hotel employees greet you with, "Look, it's the Vomit guy!"

# The doorman asks for your identification just to see how long it'll take you to find your pants.

# Your liver, in a fit of pique, leaps out of your abdominal cavity into a pan of frying onions.

# You have to be told "Drink Canada Dry" is a slogan and not a personal challenge.

Posted:19.08.2012, 10:50

There are quite a few pranks that my friends at the gym would play while sitting in a toilet stall.

1. Gina once stuck her palm open under the stall wall and asked her neighbor, "May I borrow a highlighter?"

2. Jack said to nobody in particular "OMG, I knew I shouldn't put my lips on that."

3. Bobby would cheer and clap loudly every time somebody broke the silence with a bodily function noise.

4. Patrick once said, "Well, I've never seen that color before."

5. Pablo, the practical joker, once dropped a marble and said, "Heavens!! My glass eye!!"

6. Tom said, "Darn, this water is cold."

7. Ryder grunted and strained real loud for 30 seconds and then dropped something into the toilet bowl from eight feet high..then sighed relaxingly.

8. Ryan said, "Now how did that get there?"

9. Bobby said, "Humus. Reminds me of humus."

10. Pablo once filled up a container with Mountain Dew, squirted it erratically under the stall walls of his neighbors while yelling, "Whoa! Easy boy!!"

11. Tom said, "Interesting....more sinkers than floaters."

12. Jack, using a small squeeze tube, spread peanut butter on a wad of toilet paper and dropped it under the stall wall of his neighbor. Then said, "Whoops, could you kick that back over here, please?"

13. Bobby said "C'mon Mr. Happy! Don't fall asleep on me!!"

14. Patrick said, "Boy, that sure looks like a maggot!!"

15. Ryan said, "Darn, I knew that drain hole was a little too small. Now what am I gonna do?"

16. Ryder played a well known drum cadence over and over again on his butt cheeks.

17. Before he unrolled toilet paper, Pablo conspicuously laid down his "Cross-Dressers Anonymous" newsletter on the floor visible to the adjacent stall.

18. Patrick once lowered a small mirror underneath the stall wall and adjust it so he could see his neighbor and said, "Peek-a-boo!"

19. Gina once dropped a D-cup bra on the floor under the stall wall and sang "Born Free"

20. Jack took a Snickers candy bar with him, squished it in his hand, reached under the stall wall and said "You got any more toilet paper over there, This side's completely out."

Posted:19.08.2012, 10:57

A teacher asks her class one day, If there are 5 birds sitting on a fence and you shoot one of them, how many birds will there be left?

Then, when little Ralphy raises his hand, she calls on him.
He answers,

None, they will all fly away with the first gunshot.

The teacher replies, The actual answer is 4, but I like your thinking.

Then little Ralphy says, Now I have a question for you.

There are 3 women sitting on a bench having ice cream,
one is licking the sides of the of ice cream cone that have started to drip.

The second is gobbling down the top and sucking the cone.

And the third is biting off the top of the ice cream. Which one is married?

The teacher, blushing madly, replied, Well, I suppose it would be the one thats gobbled down the top and sucked the cone.

To which Little Ralphy replied,

The correct answer is the one with the wedding ring on,
but I like your thinking.

Posted:21.08.2012, 14:41