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Posted:29.06.2012, 05:37

home alone

Posted:29.06.2012, 11:58

Love is like a fart, if you have to force it, its probably shit.

I did some work at the salvo's soup kitchen the other day, they got annoyed at me at the end of the night though, we were cleaning up & a few of the clients were still hanging around, so I yelled out "hurry up fellas,some of us have homes to go to!

Q:What does micheal jackson like about 26 year olds?
A:Theres 20 of them!

**Moderator**

lyndilou, HAHAHAH!

Nice first post!

Posted:29.06.2012, 13:10

that is a dang good one

Posted:29.06.2012, 14:02

Squeeze a lemon

The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet. The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, longshoremen, etc.) but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice "I'd like to try the bet"

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man. But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass!! As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man "what do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?"

The scrawny little man replied "I work for the IRS."

Posted:29.06.2012, 14:07

This is an adult themed joke.....

Lion tamers

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a man in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde woman about the same age. The circus owner tells them, "I'm going to be honest with you, this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She ignores the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

Posted:29.06.2012, 14:12

**Moderator**

gjr1961, You're on fire!

Posted:30.06.2012, 06:57

X RATED A son was placing his father into a nursing home. "Please don't put me in there son!" cried the old man. The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it." The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!" "That's swell dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?" "Well" replied the dad, "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I'd almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!" "That's great dad," said the son. A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!" "What's wrong pop?" asked the son. "Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up & when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!" The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there". "No son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!!!"

Posted:30.06.2012, 06:58

X RATED ADULT LOLA son was placing his father into a nursing home. "Please don't put me in there son!" cried the old man. The son said, "Pop, I can't take care of you & work too. I've checked the place out & it is the best one there is. I think you'll love it." The next day the father called his son & said, "Son, you were right! I LOVE this place it is so great here. Thank you so much for making the decision!" "That's swell dad," said the son. "What makes it so great?" "Well" replied the dad, "Last night I was in my room & from out of nowhere, I got an erection. A nurse came in, saw me & gave me a blowjob! I haven't had one of those in 30 or 40 years! I'd almost forgotten what it was like! It was fantastic!" "That's great dad," said the son. A few days later the father called his son again & said "You have to get me out of here! I hate this place! I can't live here any more!" "What's wrong pop?" asked the son. "Last night I fell down in the hallway. I was getting up & when I was on my hands & knees, a male nurse came along & sodomized me! I CAN NOT and WILL NOT live like this!" The son said, "Dad, I know that's terrible and we'll get it straightened out, but until then, you have to understand, we have to take the good with the bad. Just hang in there". "No son" said the dad. "You don't understand! I get an erection maybe once a year! I fall down two or three times a day!!!!!"

Posted:30.06.2012, 07:00

SORRY DIDNT MEAN TO POST ITTWICE .TRIED TI EDIT IT

Posted:30.06.2012, 15:21

Once upon a time there lived a king.
The king had a beautiful daughter, The PRINCESS..

But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; Metal, Wood, Stone, Anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her.

The king despaired. What could he do to help his daughter? He consulted his wizards and magicians. One wizard told the king, 'If your daughter touches one thing that does not melt in her hands, she will be cured.'

The king was overjoyed and came up with a plan.

The next day, he held a competition. Any man that could bring his daughter an object that would not melt would marry her and inherit the king's wealth...

THREE YOUNG PRINCES TOOK UP THE CHALLENGE.

The first brought a sword of the finest steel.

But alas, when the princess touched it, it melted.
The prince went away sadly .

The second prince brought diamonds.

He thought diamonds are the hardest substance in the world and would not melt. But alas, once the princess touched them, they melted.

He too was sent away disappointed.

The third prince approached. He told the princess,
'Put your hand in my pocket and feel what is in there.'

The princess did as she was told, though she turned red . She felt something hard. She held it in her hand.
And it did not melt!!!

The king was overjoyed. Everybody in the kingdom was overjoyed. And the third prince married the princess and they both lived happily ever after.

Question: What was in the prince's pants?

M&M's of course.
They melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
What were you thinking??

Posted:30.06.2012, 19:00

the things people will do !!!!!!!! WAYS TO GET OUT OF GOOD OLE JURY DUTY ,, Sure, you have a civil duty to serve in the esteemed court in judgment of your peer. But, really, who wants to do that? Probably someone who's never had to do it before.
If you've received that dreaded piece of mail demanding hours of your life and you're desperate to get out of it, then read on. I'm going to assume that you've already attempted to get out of jury duty by means of mail and have failed; you will have to present your last ditch effort within the confines of the court. Now, being a nice person, I'm going to offer you a valuable, Arthurian-esque, warning:

"Whilst it be fairly simple to ditch ye civil duty, thou mustn't possess the backbone of a jellyfish, for only those brazen enough to appear retarded in public shall succeed in gaining freedom."

In other words, you must be willing to embarrass yourself-without appearing embarrassed-or else you will be forced to serve in silent torture. If you are not capable of this-well …sorry, you're screwed.

Okay, step one: start small and work your way up to more severe actions. Remember, only as your time frame to escape closes should you begin to act like a desperate, rabid animal.

1.Pretend to be completely skittish-terrified even-of the court, the judge, the officers and bailiff. Squirm uncomfortably in your seat, sort of like you have bad cramps or gas. Look around constantly with a nervous "I'm gonna barf' look on your face, cringe whenever the bailiff moves, and wince a little when the judge talks. After a little while, you will inevitably be asked why you are acting in such a manner. Take advantage of this by quaking under the judges direct attention, talking like a terrified public speaker, and say something to the effect of: "Your honor, the courts and cops make me real nervous. I always get terrified like I might go to jail [gag a little after this word]. Where's the nearest bathroom, I think I'm gonna blow!" I guarantee you will be personally escorted out of the building.

2.When the judge questions you, say something like "Oh no, your honor, I really do want to serve. See, I've always had a tendency towards reading peoples mind, and I always dreamed of using it for good. Now I get the chance to send this guilty person to jail!"

3. Wear a t-shirt that says "It costs a lot to house prisoners. Capital punishment for all!!"

4.Write a highly opinionated, articulate, confidant, and frank letter stating the reasons why you feel the entire justice system as a whole is a load of crap and that you could never find someone guilty under such a faulty system.

5.Cross your arms, squint your eyes, and say "my grandpa was a cop. I know all about YOU attorneys."

6.Whip out a notebook, take furious notes as soon as you enter the room, ask the attorneys and judge annoying questions, and express a great desire to be on the jury. Tell them that you are a writer, and that you will be the next Grisham. Then ask the judge if you can quote him/her in your book.

7.Scratch your head furiously, like an insane maniac, groan and pull at your hair. Then raise your hand, say you think you have lice, and ask if the bailiff can check your head for bugs.

8.Ask a fellow potential juror if they wish to get out of duty. If they do, set up a scene where you pretend to be ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/friends who can't stand each other. Start yelling and arguing about something from your 'past'. You may be forcefully removed, but you will be removed nonetheless.

9.Pretend to have a sinus infection. Constantly blow your nose, and just when you can't get more irritating, "run" out of tissue and simply resort to sucking the snot up your nose. Your fellow jurors will likely kick you out.

10.If all else fails and you're really desperate, run to the nearest Army recruiter and enlist.

I hope you have found this list useful. All of these tactics will likely get you out of jury duty. Just remember: you must know no shame. Nothing is beneath you.

Not even soiling yourself.

Posted:01.07.2012, 06:22

A woman rubs a lamp and out pops a genie. "You're a kind lady, so I'll grant you one wish," the genie tells her.

"See this cat? I'd rather have a strong, handsome man," she says.

The genie agrees and—poof!—the cat turns into a Brad Pitt clone.
The woman leaps into his lap.

"Do you have anything to say before we make love?" she asks.

"Yes," he says. "I bet you wish you hadn't had me neutered last week

Posted:01.07.2012, 09:03

HO HO HO !!!!