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**Moderator**

“You have to be careful about being too careful.”

- Beryl Pfizer

**Moderator**

I can not stop reading all the jokes..now I need a "depends"!

Posted:10.04.2009, 19:22

FOR THE HEALTH CONSCIOUS AMONG US

1) The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

2) The French eat a lot of fat and also suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

3) The Japanese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart
attacks than the British or Americans.

4) The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and also
suffer fewer heart attacks than the British or Americans.

CONCLUSION:

Eat and drink what ever the hell you want because speaking
English is apparently what kills you.

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:03

There are 3 people who have to confess there sins before they can get into heaven.... 1st one says "i killed a man"... drinks from the holy water and walks away... the 2nd man says "i stabbed a man," drinks from the holy water and walked a way- the 3rd man says "i peed in the holy water."

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:06

One morning a woman was walking out of her front door, when she notices a strange little man at the bottom of her garden.

"You're a goblin," she says, "I caught you and you owe me three wishes!". So the goblin replies "OK, you caught me fair and square, what's your first wish?". The woman stops and thinks for a second, "I want a huge mansion to live in.", goblins replies "OK, you've got it.". Woman again thinks it over, "My second wish is a Mercedes." "OK, you've got that too." "My last wish is a million dollars!". The goblin then says "OK, you've got it. But to make your wishes come true you have to have sex all night with me." "OK then, if that's what it takes..."

Next morning the little man wakes the woman up.

"Tell me," says the man, "how old are you?" "I'm 27", she replies

"F*$% me", says the man, "27 and you still believe in goblins?"

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:07

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says, "Put those on."

The bride replies, "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies, "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her knickers and throws them at him with the same request, "Try those on!"

He replies,"I can't get into your knickers!"

"And you never bloody will if you don't change your attitude."

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:08

How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave.

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:09

Apples and Wine.... Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree. Most men don't want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the ground that aren't as good, but easy. The apples at the top think something is wrong with them, when in reality, they're amazing. They just have to wait for the right person to come along, the one who is brave enough to climb all the way to the top of the tree. Now men ... Men are like a fine wine. They begin as grapes, and it's up to women to stomp the shit out of them until they turn into something acceptable enough to have dinner with.

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:10

A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest. After about 15 minutes of it, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight!". The woman says, "Me too, you've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:11

A guy walks into a sperm donor bank wearing a ski mask and holding a gun. He goes up to the nurse and demands her to open the sperm bank vault. She says "But sir, its just a sperm bank!", "I don't care, open it now!!!" he replies. So she opens the door to the vault and inside are all the sperm samples. The guy says "Take one of those sperm samples and drink it!", she looks at him "BUT, they are sperm samples???" , "DO IT!". So the nurse sucks it back. "That one there, drink that one as well.", so the nurse drinks that one as well. Finally after 4 samples the man takes off his ski mask and says, "See honey - its not that hard."

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:12

A dog, a cat, and a penis are sitting around a camp fire one night. The dog says, "My life sucks, my master makes me do my business on a fire hydrent!". The cat says, "I don't think so, my master makes me do my business in a box of cat litter." The penis outraged, says "At least your master doesn't put a bag over your head and make you do push ups until you throw up!"

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:13

A couple just got married and on the night of their honeymoon before passionate love, the wife tells the husband, "Please be gentile, I'm still a virgin." The husband being shocked, replied, "How's this possible? You've been married three times before." The wife responds, "Well, my first husband was a gynecologist and all he wanted to do was look at it. My second husband was a psychiatrist and all he wanted to do was talk about it. Finally, my third husband was a stamp collector and all he wanted to do was...oh, do I miss him!"

Posted:10.04.2009, 23:14

Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q. What did the blondes left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.