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Posted:13.04.2009, 11:05

A man is walking along a deserted beach when suddenly he hears a deep voice from Above. "DIG!" it says. He looks around, but there's nobody there. I must be imagining this, he thinks. Then he hears the voice again: "I SAID, DIG!"

So he starts digging with his bare hands, pushing away the sand. A short way down he uncovers a small chest with a rusty lock. "OPEN IT" commands the deep voice.

OK, the man thinks, I'll open the thing. He finds a rock with which to destroy the lock, and when the chest is finally opened, he sees a gleaming pile of gold coins. "TAKE THEM TO THE CASINO" the deep voice says.

Well, says the man to himself, the casino is just ten minutes walk away, why not?

He changes all the gold into a huge pile of roulette tokens and goes to one of the tables, where the players gaze at him with disbelief. Now he hears the deep voice saying: "27, PUT IT ALL ON 27".

He takes his heavy pile of tokens and drops it at the 27. The table groans under the weight. You can hear a pin drop as the croupier throws the ball. The ball stays at the 26.

The deep voice says: "SHIT !"

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:07

Former President Clinton was being hosted by the leader of a Central African nation. During the day they discussed how much the Russians had given the country before being tossed out by the new government.

"The Russians were very generous. They built us a power plant, two highways and an airport. We learned to drink vodka and play Russian roulette."

"Russian roulette is a very dangerous game!" Clinton frowned.

"Oh yes" the African leader agreed, "That's why we developed African roulette." Everyone who wants to have good relations with our country must learn to play. I'll show you how." With that, he pushed a buzzer and in marched half a dozen gorgeous women, who immediately dropped all their clothes. "Please choose any one of these women to give you oral sex", he told Clinton.

Well THIS got Clintons blood racing, let me tell you. He was running his eye over all the girls, and about to make his choice, when a question suddenly struck him.

"Whats this got to do with Russian roulette?"

The African leader gave an evil smile, leaned across towards Clinton and said softly"One of them is a cannibal."

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:09

Doris was very disappointed in her husband Morris. She nagged that every weekend he would just loaf around the house, watching TV, checking out the ball games, and slurping beer. He also was a slots addict.

"Sunday's is the only day that you can spend some time with your daughter Louise" she complained week after week "Why don't you spend some quality time with her?" Imagine the surprise when Doris came home one Saturday afternoon to see Louise jumping up and down happily.

"Mommy, Mommy guess what happened? Daddy took me to the zoo today, and we saw lots of animals!" "No kidding?" "And guess what?" she continued enthusiastically. "One of them paid ten to one!"

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:11

One day, at a casino buffet, a man suddenly shouts out "Help me, my son's choking! He swallowed a quarter playing slots! Help! Anyone!"

Suddenly a man at a nearby table stands up and says "I can help, I'm quite good at this sort of thing." With that, he runs over, puts his hands on the boy's testicles and squeezes hard.

The boy lets out a yelp and out pops the quarter. The man walks back to his table as though nothing strange has happened.

" Thank you, oh thank you so much" the father cries "Are you a paramedic?"

"No," replies the man. "I'm a tax collector".

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:38

Six guys are over at Stan's house for their weekly poker game. Abe is having a bad run and keeps losing. Finally he decides to go for broke - all or nothing. He bets everything he has and loses over $500 on the hand. He clutches his chest, chokes, turns blue in the face and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete the hand standing up.

Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?"

They draw straws. Don Smith, who is always a loser, picks the short one.

They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. Remember that Abe's wife may not be so well, either.

"Gentlemen! Me, discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me."

Don walks over to Abe's house and knocks on the door. Abe's wife answers and asks what he wants.

Don says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing poker."

She hollers, "Why that no-good so and so! Tell him to drop dead!"

Don says, "I'll tell him."

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:40

A 12-year old boy comes home from school and walks into his parents' room. Mom and dad are in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His dad replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older sister's room to find his sister and her boyfriend in bed making love. The boy asks, "What are you doing?" His sister replies, "Playing poker. Now get out of here." He goes to his older brother's room and finds his brother masturbating. He asks his brother, "What are you doing?" His brother replies, "Playing poker." The boy asks, "I thought that it takes two to play poker." His brother replies, "Not if you have a good hand."

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:47

Two couples were playing poker. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed that Bill’s wife wasn’t wearing any underwear! Shocked by this, John hit his head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill’s wife followed him and asked, “Did you see anything that you liked under there?” John admitted that, well, yes, he did. She said, “You can have it, but it will cost you $100.”

After a minute or two, John indicates that he is interested. She tells him that since Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn’t, John should come to her house around 2:00 pm on Friday. Friday came and John went to her house at 2:00 pm. After paying her $100 they went to the bedroom, had sex and then John left. Bill came home about 6:00 pm. He asked his wife, “Did John come by this afternoon?”

Reluctantly, she replied, “Yes, he did stop by for a few minutes.”
Next Bill asked, “Did John give you $100?” She thinks, “Oh hell, he knows!” Finally she says, “Well, yes, he did give me $100.”

“Good,” Bill says. “John came by the office this morning and borrowed $100 from me. He said that he would stop by our house on his way home and pay me back.”

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:50

There once was a woman who plays poker once a month with a group of friends who were concerned that she always woke her husband when she came home around 1:00 am. One night she decided to try not to wake him.

She undressed in the living room and, put her purse over her shoulder, and tiptoed nude into the bedroom, but was surprised to find her husband sitting up in bed reading. “Dammit woman!” he exclaimed. “Did you lose everything!?”

**Moderator**

Posted:13.04.2009, 20:36

Posted:15.04.2009, 10:37

A COWBOY IS RIDING ACROSS COUNTRY, WHEN HES CAPTURED BY INDIANS,THEY PUT HIM ON TRAIL AND HE WAS FOUND GUILTY OF CRIMES AGAINTS THE INDIAN NATION,YOU HAVE BEEN FOUND GUILTY, AND SENTENCED TO DEATH,BUT IT IS OUR CUSTOM. YOU HAVE 3 WISHES TO MAKE AS YOUR LAST REQUEST.THE COWBOY THOUGHT FOR A MINUTES, AND THEN SAID WILL AS MY 1ST WISH I NEED MY HORSE,GIVE HIM HIS HORSE SAID THE CHIEF. THHE COWBOY WHISPERED SOMETHING INTO THE HORSES EAR, AND THE HORSE TOOK OFF LIKE A SHOOT ACROSS THE PRIARE,20 MINUTES LATER THE HORSE RETURNED WITHA BEAUTIFUL BLONDE ON HIS BACK,THE COWBOY LOOKED AT THIS, SHRUDDED HIS SHOULDERS, AND HELPED HER OFF THE HORSE.HE TOOK HER INTO THE WOODS AND HAD HIS WAY WITH HER,SECOND WISH SAID THE CHIEF. I NEED MY HORSE AGAIN HE SAID,ONCE AGAIN HE WHISPERED INTO THE HORSES EAR, AND THE HORSE TOOK OFF AGAIN.30 MINUTES LATER HE RETURNED WITH A BRUNETT, TOOK HER TO THE WOODS AND DID THE SAME WITH HER.YOUR LAST WISH SAID THE CHIEF.THE COWBOY GRABBED THE HORSE BY BOTH EARS AND HOLLERED I SAID.POSSEE.

Posted:15.04.2009, 11:24

Hi Tawnia, did you edit the post so that the joke in pictures comes up right away? I dont know how to do that, thanks!!

Posted:15.04.2009, 11:28

Posted:15.04.2009, 11:36

theres a drunk standing outside the bar and a policeman passes by and ask ,why are you standing here, the man replies i heard the earth goes around every24 hours. so im watng on my house. wont be long now he replies, there goes my neighbor

**Moderator**

You guys are too funny!