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Posted:02.04.2009, 07:29

yes!!!!!!!!

Posted:04.04.2009, 08:31

America has a rich tradition putting our most honored leaders on its currencies...

Posted:04.04.2009, 09:37

This Policeman pulled a car over and told the man driving that he was going 50 mph in a 40 mph zone.

"I was only going 40!" the driver protested.

"Not according to my radar," the officer replied.

"Yes, I was!" the man shouted back.

"No you weren't!" the policeman said, starting to get annoyed. With that, the man's wife leaned toward the window and said,

"Officer, I should warn you not to argue with my husband when he's been drinking."

Posted:04.04.2009, 09:44

'OLD' IS WHEN.....
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your sweetie says,"Let's go upstairs and make love," and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting lucky" means you find your car in the lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... "Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..... An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee.

A BOY & GIRLS PRAYER

A Girl's Prayer:

Lord,
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who's willy is thick and long.

One who thinks before he speaks,
When he promises to call, he won't wait weeks.
I pray that he is gainfully employed,
And when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.

Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows just what to say, when I ask "How big's my behind?"

One who'll make love till my body's a twitchin,
In the hall, the loo, the garden and kitchen!
I pray that this man will love me no end,
And never attempt to shag my best friend.

Amen.

A Boy's Prayer:

Lord,
I pray for a nympho with huge boobs who
owns a beer store.

Amen

Why God created Eve

10. God worried that Adam would be lost in the Garden of Eden because he wouldn't ask for directions.
9. God knew that someday Adam would need someone to hand him the TV remote. (Parenthetically, it has been noted that men don't want to
see what's ON TV; they want to see WHAT ELSE is on.)
8. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor's appointment.
7. God knew that when Adam's fig leaf wore out, he would never buy a new one for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would not remember to take out the garbage.
5. God wanted man to be fruitful and multiply, but he knew Adam would
never be able to handle labor pains and childbirth.
4. As "keeper of the garden," Adam would need help in finding his tools.
3. Adam needed someone to blame for the Apple incident, and for
anything else that was really his fault.
2. As the Bible says, "It is not good for man to be alone."
1.......And the Number One reason of all...(ta..da...drumroll....fanfare,etc.)
God stepped back, looked at Adam, and declared, "Chit, I can do better than that!"

Chinese Proverbs‏

> Virginity like bubble, one prick, all gone.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run in front of car get tired.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who run behind car get exhausted.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with hand in pocket feel cocky all day.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Foolish man give wife grand piano, wise man give wife upright organ.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who walk through airport turnstile sideways going to Bangkok.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man with one chopstick go hungry.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who scratch ass should not bite fingernails.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Baseball is wrong: man with four balls cannot walk.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Panties not best thing on earth! but next to best thing on earth.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Wife who put husband in doghouse soon find him in cat house.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fight with wife all day get no piece at night.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> It take many nails to build crib, but one screw to fill it.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who stand on toilet is high on pot.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who live in glass house should change clothes in basement.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fish in other man's well! ! often catch crabs.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
> *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
> Crowded elevator smell different to midget.

WHY WE LOVE CHILDREN

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first graders using a bowl of Lifesavers. He gave all of the children the same kind of lifesaver one at a time and asked them to identify them by color and flavor. The children began to say: "Red...................cherry", "Yellow................lemon", "Green.................lime", "Orange................orange". Finally, the professor gave them all honey Lifesavers. After eating them for a few moments, none of the children could identify the taste. "Well" he said, "I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father." One little girl looked up in horror, spit hers out and yelled, "Everybody, spit them out - they're assholes!!!"
__________________________________________________

A kindergarten pupil told his teacher he'd found a cat. She asked him if it was dead or alive. "Dead," she was informed. "How do you know?" she asked her pupil. "Because I pissed in its ear and it didn't move," answered the child innocently. "You did WHAT?!?" the teacher exclaimed in surprise. "You know," explained the boy, "I leaned over and went 'Pssst!'and it didn't move." ___________________________________________________

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later.... "Daad...."
"What?"
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out."
Five minutes later: "Da-aaaad....."
"WHAT?"
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO! If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later...... "Daaaa-aaaad....."
"WHAT!"
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?" ______________________________________________________

It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter dress?" The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron." ______________________________________________________

One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said, "The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy Chit! A talking chicken!'" The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.

**Moderator**

cambaby2, OMG!!! some of those made me die laughing!

Posted:05.04.2009, 09:01

Not really a joke, but......

I remember this one time, when I was a child at the grocery store with my
Mom.

She was debating on what kind of Tuna that she wanted....
As she was standing at the cart, directing me what to grab, she says, "grab
me... hmmm... grab me..." but does not finish.
Then this man that was on the same isle, says, "crab meat, that is what I am
looking for, too".
My Mom said, "No, I said grab me".

We all kinda' just looked at each other.... I don't remember exactly what
happened after!

Posted:06.04.2009, 07:41

What happens when two rashes fall in love??

They have SCABIES!!

ewww! LOL

Posted:06.04.2009, 11:12

here ya go! lol

Children are like farts: your own are just about tolerable but everyone else's are horrendous .. lol

**Moderator**

Posted:07.04.2009, 06:35

Speeding Ticket

**Moderator**

Prowan52, That is cute!

**Moderator**

cambaby2, I need some more of your top 10 lists!

Posted:08.04.2009, 22:28

lol... omg, i have so many everywhere, i save all my jokes so i can remember them... i love to hear jokes but i stink at telling them lol
i was looking for a way to email you last night- i get an email called powerquotes if u are interested, some are inspiring and some stink, but if you like quotes...

**Moderator**

cambaby2, Post them if you have them!

Posted:09.04.2009, 07:24

the jokes or the quotes? lol.. the good jokes i have, well i'm not too sure if they would be appropriate. whats mild to me might not be to you - i dont want to offend anyone! i'd pm to you to check out first but then you might now respect me in the morning. lmao.... the quotes i can go through whats in my email, i think i've saved ones that i really liked (but probably boring)lol.. i just didnt want to post too many