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Posted:13.04.2009, 01:15

A woman posts an ad in the news paper that looks like this...

'Looking for man with these qualifications; won't beat me up; or run away from me and is great in bed.'

She got lots of phone calls replying to her ad but met someone perfect at her door one day. The man she met said, "Hi, I'm Bob. I have no arms so I won't beat you up and no legs so I won't run away."

So the lady says, "What makes you think you are great in bed?"

Bob replies, "I rang the door bell didn't I?"

Posted:13.04.2009, 01:17

These two nuns were helping out by redecorating the rectory. They were painting the walls and kept getting paint on their habits, so they thought ....why not take them off? We'll lock the doors and no one will see us while we paint. So they did....after awhile, there was a knock on the door. "Who is it?" they said......guy says, "Its the blind guy". after some thought they decided it would be ok to open the door to him. So they did....after awhile, there was a knock on the door. Who is it? they said......guy says, "Its the blind guy". after some thought they decided it would be ok to open the door to him. and he said, "Nice tits sister, where would you like me to put these blinds?"

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:23

A successful businessman flew to Las Vegas for the weekend to gamble in the casinos. He lost the shirt off his back, his losses were so bad he risked bankruptcy on his return home! All he had of value was the return half of his round-trip ticket in his pocket that would run out that same night!

It was very late at night and having no money left he had to call it a weekend, but had no money for the cab fare to the airport from the casino! If he could just get to the airport within the hour he could get himself home that same night to lick his financial wounds, otherwise he’d be stuck in Vegas with no money and no way home in the morning!

So he went out to the front of the casino where there was just a single taxi cab waiting.

Hoping to find a charitable cabby he got in and explained the situation to the cabby and promised to send the driver $50 from home, he offered him his credit card numbers, his driver’s license number, his address, etc., but to no avail the cabby was adamant “If you don’t have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!”

The businessman was forced to hitchhike the 10 miles from the casino to the airport and was just in time to catch his flight home.

One year later the businessman, having worked hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas, and this time he won BIG. Feeling good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport.

This time there was a long line of cabs and at the very end was his old buddy who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck after gambling his shirt away! The businessman thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a cunning plan.

The businessman got in the first cab in the line outside the casino, “How much for a ride to the airport,” he asked?

“Fifteen bucks,” came the reply.

“And how much for you to give me sexual favors on the way?”

“What?! Get the hell out of my cab!” the first cab driver replied!

The businessman got into the back of each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.

When he got to his old friend at the back of the long line, he got in and asked, “How much for a ride to the airport?”

The cabby who didn’t recognize the businessman replied, “Fifteen bucks.”

The businessman said, “Okay” and off they went to the airport.

As they slowly drove past the long line of cabs outside the casino, the business man gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each cab driver.

(hehehe)

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:24

A doctor answers his phone and hears the familiar voice of a colleague on the other end of the line. “We need a fourth for poker tonight” said the friend.

“I’ll be right over” whispered the doctor.

As he was putting on his coat, his wife asked, “Is it serious dear?”

“Oh yes, quite serious” said the doctor gravely with his best poker face. “In fact, there are three doctors there already!”

**Moderator**

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:28

Three male work friends decided to take their wives on a gambling vacation for a week in Las Vegas. The gambling vacation week flew by and they all had a great time in the casinos gambling.

After they returned home and the men went back to work, they sat around at break and discussed their Vegas vacation.

The first guy says “I don’t think I’ll ever do that again! Ever since we got back from Vegas, my old lady flings her arms & hollers, “7 come 11″ all night & I haven’t had a wink of sleep!”

The second guy says “I know what you mean… my old lady played black jack the whole vacation and she slaps the bed all night and hollers “hit me light or hit me hard”, and I haven’t had a wink of sleep either!”

The third guy says “You guys think you have it bad! My old lady played the slots the whole vacation and I wake up each morning with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!”

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:38

Rearrange the letters: SLOT MACHINES.

Answer: CASH LOST IN EM.

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:39

Bill Gates arrives at the port to heaven and hell. Petrus says, 'Bill, we don't know what to do with you, so you can choose if you want to go to heaven or hell.'

Bill peeks in heaven and sees a couple of old, boring men sitting at a table. Bill takes a look in hell and sees really beautiful women, sex, drugs, rock and roll, and most of all, gambling.

Impressed, Bill says, 'I am a gambling man. I want to go to hell!'

Once in hell, Bill is immediately thrown into the fire. As he's burning in the flames, Bill shouts, 'Hey, what is this?!! I saw all the gambling, the women, and the sex!'

The devil says, 'That was just a demo version.'

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:43

A woman was in a gambling casino for the first time. At the roulette she says, "I have no idea what number to play." The croupier suggests she play her age. Smiling at the man, she puts her money on number 32. The wheel is spun, and as the ball settles into the 41 slot the woman falls over into a dead faint.

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:50

There was this man who went to Las Vegas to win some fortune. He enters a real cool casino and sees that everyone present in the casino is depressed and they r all gathered around in a circle. When he goes and checks out what's happening, he comes to know that the owner of the casino has offered $1 Million to the person who can make his horse laugh. This guy goes to the owner and says not a problem

and goes up to the horse whispers something in the ears, and just then the horse crack up, the horse laughs and laughs and laughs and laughs! Everybody present there gets surprised and this guy takes $1 Million and goes back.......

Around 7 years later, this guy, a rich person now, goes to the same night club again and sees that the same thing is happening again and this time $1 billion is offered to anyone who can make the horse sad and weep. He says again, not a problem goes to the horse and does something and the horse starts to weep and cry and cry and is really depressed. He takes the $1 billion. The owner this time says, sir, you have got your money but now please tell me what have you been doing to the horse??

He says, the first time I went to the horse and said that my dick is bigger than yours and the horse cracked up, I took my money, and walked away, today I went and showed him my dick!!

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:52

Two men discuss their late night Baccarat gambling habit:

1st Man: "The one thing I hate about all this is when I go home. I try to be as quiet as possible. I turn off the headlights, turn off the engine and coast into the driveway. Then I ease open the front door, take off my shoes and sneak upstairs as quietly as I can. But my wife always wakes up and we end up having a fight."

2nd Man: "Nah, you've got it all wrong! I drive into the driveway, honk the horn a few times, get out of the car, slam the door, jump into the house and bang the door. Then I yell "Honey, I'm home! I run upstairs, slap her on the ass and say, "How about a little love, woman? You know, she never even moves!"

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:55

"That bastard husband lost the rent money playing poker and now he wants me to sleep with the landlord," the housewife told her neighbor.

"You didn't do it, did you?"

"Well, yes, I admit I did - though with certain misgivings, I might add. But I haven't told my husband that the rent is paid up for six months!"

Posted:13.04.2009, 10:57

A guy was deep into his poker, playing 10-20 Holdem and stuck at about $300. Suddenly, beside the table next to him appears a little green leprechaun.

"Drop your cards, quit poker forever this minute and I'll give you a pot of gold worth a million dollars." said the little green fellow. "Yeah, yeah" replies the player, "Just let me get even first."

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:01

A priest, minister and rabbi are playing poker when the police raid the game. Turning to the priest, the senior officer asks: "Father Shaunessy, were you gambling?" The priest turns his eyes to heaven, murmuring "Lord, forgive me for what I am about to do." To the police officer, he then says, "No officer, it was just a social game."

The officer then asks the minister: "Pastor Fredrick, were you gambling?" Again, after a message to heaven, the minister replies, "No, officer, I was not gambling."

Turning to the rabbi, the officer again asks: "Rabbi Goldschmitt, were you gambling?" Shrugging his shoulders, the rabbi replies: "So with whom would I be gambling?"

Posted:13.04.2009, 11:03

A Old lady goes to the dentist sits down, drops panties and lifts her legs. The dentist says I'm not a gynecologist. She says I know I need my husbands teeth back.