CLOSED | Best Jokes | Free Contest | $30X2 free cash WON

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:17

8.5 PG

Spring break

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:26

A Sure Cure

Three Pastors in the south were having lunch in a diner.

One said "Ya know, since summer started I've been having trouble with bats in my loft and attic at church. I've tried everything--noise, spray, cats--nothing seems to scare them away."

Another said "Yea, me too. I've got hundreds living in my belfry and in the narthex attic. I've even had the place fumigated, and they won't go away."

The third said, "I baptized all mine, and made them members of the church...
Haven't seen one back since!!!"

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:28

Three Hymns

One Sunday a pastor told his congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.

After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he'd like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.

And there sat our Rosie all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.

Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three most handsome men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him!"

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:30

The Oil Find

Two old friends met one day after many years.
One attended college, and now was very successful.
The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.

The successful one said, "How has everything been going with you?"

"Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold.
So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I'm as rich as Rockefeller."

The successful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, "Chapter Eleven."

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:33

Remarkable Parrot

Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered.
They discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said: "I built a big house for our mother."

The second said: "I sent her a Mercedes with a driver."

The third said: "You remember how our mother enjoys reading the Bible.
Now she can't see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him.
Mama just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot recites it."

Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letters of thanks.

"Milton," she said, "the house you built is so huge.
I live only in one room, but I have to clean the whole house.

"Gerald," she said, "I am too old to travel.
I stay most of the time at home so I rarely use the Mercedes.
And that driver is so rude! He's a pain!"

"But Donald," she said, "the little chicken you sent was delicious!"

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:35

The Christian Barber

There was a barber that thought that he should share his faith with his customers more than he had been doing lately. So the next morning when the sun came up and the barber got up out of bed he said, "Today I am going to witness to the first man that walks through my door."

Soon after he opened his shop the first man came in and said, "I want a shave!" The barber said, "Sure, just sit in the seat and I'll be with you in a moment." The barber went in the back and prayed a quick desperate prayer saying, "God, the first customer came in and I'm going to witness to him.
So give me the wisdom to know just the right thing to say to him. Amen."

Then quickly the barber came out with his razor knife in one hand and a Bible in the other while saying "Good morning sir. I have a question for you... Are you ready to die?"

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:39

A blonde was in Vegas vacationing with friends. She was standing in front of the candy machine and put two coins in, turned the knob and a candy bar fell out.

She picked up the candy bar and put it in her pocket, then she proceeded to put two more coins into the slot and turned the knob, again a candy bar fell out and she put it in her pocket.

She put two more coins into the machine and again turned the knob producing yet another candy bar.

A man was watching from a short distance away and walked up to her, he said "Excuse me Miss? What are you doing?"

She said, "Duh! I'm winning here!"

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:40

Dog's Hand

A man walks into a bar and notices a poker game at the far table. Upon taking a closer look he sees a dog sitting at the table. This peaks his curiousity and he walks closer and sees cards and chips in front of the dog.

Then the next hand is dealt and cards are dealt to the dog. Then the dog acts in turn with all the other players, calling, raising, discarding, everything the other human players were doing.

However, none of the other players seemed to pay any mind to the fact that they were playing with a dog, they just treated him like any other player. Finally the man could not longer hold his tongue so between hands he quietly said to one of the players, "I can't believe that dog is playing poker, he must be the smartest dog in the world!"

The player smiled and said, "He isn't that smart, every time he gets a good hand he wags his tail."

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:43

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."

The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?" and the little old lady says, "Cash. I've got it here in this bag..." and the accounts person looks and, sure enough, the lady has a big grocery bag just chock full of green stuff with big denominations.

This is a highly unusual event, and the accounts person excuses herself to get the president of the bank to handle this one. He arrives, and escorts the little old lady to his office to handle it personally.

Once in his office, he asks the little old lady where she got so much money.

She says, "Gambling."

"Gambling?", he says. "What sort of gambling?"

"Oh, I make bets with people on all sorts of things, and I usually win. For example, I've got $100,000 right here that says that by noon tomorrow your balls will be square, and I'll even give you 4:1 odds. You got $25,000 you'd be willing to wager on that?"

The bank president is shocked at this sort of thing coming from a sweet little old lady, but he didn't get to be the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank without knowing something about money. "I suppose I could come up with enough to cover that sort of wager, but I wouldn't feel right taking it from you...there's no way you can win a bet like that!"

The little old lady just shook the bag, and said, "I know what I'm doing...and I can afford to lose, though I'm not going to. Is it a bet?"

"Ok, have it your way", said the president, and they shook hands on it.

"See you at 11:55 tomorrow morning", said the little old lady, and with that she left.

Next morning at 11:55 the little old lady arrives with a younger man in a three-piece suit, and is escorted to the bank president's office. The president is a nervous wreck, though a happy one. He'd gotten almost no sleep the night before, waking every few minutes to feel his balls to check for impending squareness, but nothing happened all night. He had checked hundreds of times that morning, but still nothing; perfectly normal.

When the little old lady arrived he started to relax, knowing he had won.

"Come in, please have a seat! Who might this gentleman be?" said the president.

"He's my lawyer. For a bet of this size I want to have a witness. Any objections?"

"No, perfectly understandable", said the president. "Well, it's now noon, and I'm still unchanged, so I guess I win!" he said happily.

"Not so fast!" said the little old lady. "For a hundred grand I want to verify things personally! Please drop your pants."

The bank president is a bit flustered, but agrees that in her position he'd want proof as well, so he drops his pants. The little old lady goes over to him and reaches out to feel the organs in question.

"Ok, you win, here's your $100,000," says the little old lady, handing over a bag of bills. As she does so, her lawyer starts banging his head against the wall and moaning.

"What's wrong with him?" asks the bank president.

"Oh, he's just upset. Poor loser if you ask me. You see, I had a bet for $1,000,000 with him that I would have the President of the Chase Manhattan Bank by the balls by noon today."

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:45

A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray... "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."

Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays...

"God, please let me win the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays...

"My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get my life back in order."

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

"Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket."

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:46

A blackjack dealer and a player with a thirteen count in his hand were arguing about whether or not it was appropriate to tip the dealer.

The player said, "When I get bad cards, it's not the dealers fault. Accordingly, when I get good cards, the dealer obviously had nothing to do with it so why should I tip him?" The dealer said, "When you eat out do you tip the waiter?" "Yes." "Well then, he serves you food, I'm serving you cards so you should tip me."

"OK, but, the waiter gives me what I ask for...I'll take an eight."

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:48

Two Kentuckians drove to a gas station in Indiana for a fill-up because they heard about a contest being offered by the station to patrons who purchase a full tank of gas. When they went inside to pay, the men asked the attendant about the contest. "If you win, you're entitled to free sex," said the attendant.

"How do we enter?" asked the Kentuckian. "Well, I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex." "O.K. I guess 7," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 8," replied the attendant.

The next week, the two Kentuckians returned to the same station to get gas. When they went inside to pay, the one Kentuckian asked the attendant if the contest was still going on. "Sure," replied the attendant. "I'm thinking of a number between 1 and 10. If you guess right, you win free sex. " "Two," said the Kentuckian. "Sorry, I was thinking of 3," replied the attendant. "Come back soon and try again."

As they walked back to the car, the one Kentuckian said to the other, "You know, I'm beginning to think this contest is rigged." "No way," said the other. "My wife won twice last week."

Posted:12.04.2009, 19:50

A hatchet-faced lady tapped the keeper of the monkey house indignantly on the shoulder. "Those wretched animals of yours appear to be engaged in shooting dice. I demand that you break up the game at once." "Shucks," shrugged the keeper, "They're keeping strictly within the law, Ma'am. They're only playing for peanuts."

Posted:13.04.2009, 01:14

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.

"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.

Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.

"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."

Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"