CLOSED | Best Jokes | Free Contest | $30X2 free cash WON

**Moderator**

best joke, best jokes, free contest, funny jokes, joke contest
This contest is free for all NoLuckNeeded members. If you are not a member, join for free today.

« TDTAT » wrote:

Thanks to everyone for participating!
Congrats to our 2 $30 winners!
cambaby2 & Percival

Please send me your payment info to collect-
paypal, netspend, or postal mail.

Best Joke Contest from NoLuckNeeded
$30 FREE CASH to win

Post your best joke to enter the contest.
Racontez-nous votre meilleure histoire drôle

ALL MEMBERS WELCOME- FREE CONTEST
$30 WINNER will be announced by April 15th, 2009
Cash prize is USD and paid by paypal, netspend visa, or postal mail .

Posted:18.03.2009, 13:50

a dentist and a foot dr get married how do they get along?
They fight tooth and nail

Posted:18.03.2009, 15:43

A man in a bar sees a friend at a table, drinking by himself. Approaching the friend he comments, "You look terrible. What's the problem?"
"My mother died in June," he said, "and left me $10,000."
"Gee, that's tough," he replied.
"Then in July," the friend continued, "My father died leaving me $50,000."
"Wow. Two parents gone in two months. No wonder you're depressed."
"And last month my aunt died, and left me $15,000."
"Three close family members lost in three months? How sad."
"Then this month," continued, the friend, "nothing!"

Posted:18.03.2009, 17:16

High Stakes

A man walks into a butcher's shop and inquires of the butcher: "Are you a gambling man?" The butcher says "Yes", so the man said: "I bet you $50 that you can't reach up and touch that meat hanging on the hooks up there." The butcher says "I'm not betting on that." "But I thought you were a gambling man" the man retorts. "Yes I am" says the butcher "but the steaks are too high."

**Moderator**

**Moderator**

Funny phishing scam/spam email of the year award:

received 10 minutes ago..

FEDERAL BUREAU OF INVESTIGATION, STOP IDENTIY THEFT SCAM

AMAZING!!

I did not open it but sure they wanted name,
address, social, ect.. to protect me from scams!

Posted:18.03.2009, 20:14

IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have
a lot of money between them, they could only raise the
staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out
with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any
money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow
me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints
of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how
much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any
money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have
a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll
stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your
knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more
drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't
think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees
are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't
even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

Posted:19.03.2009, 00:01

A woman goes to the hospital, and her doctor gives her a sonogram. He sees the baby and suddenly the baby says, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor is shocked and goes to get another doctor, who looks at the sonogram. The baby says again, “Are you my daddy?” The doctor says, “No, I'm not your father.”
They go to get the dad, the father looks at his baby boy and the baby asked, “Are you my daddy?” And the father says, “Yes, I am!” So, the baby pops out of the mother's womb, picks up his hand, and starts poking the father in the head while saying, “How do you like that?! How do you like that?!”

Posted:19.03.2009, 23:23

what does a lady and dog terds have in common?
the older they get the easier they are to pick up!

Posted:20.03.2009, 02:12

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work. On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day see saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her, "Hey lady, you are really ugly." The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again. When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her, "Hey lady." She paused and said, "Yes?" and the bird said, "You know."

Posted:24.03.2009, 09:27

Wal-Mart Greeter

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter said pleasantly, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would sleep with you twice. Have a good
day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart."

Posted:24.03.2009, 09:28

Dear Tide:
>
>
> I am writing to say what an excellent
> product you have! I've used it all of my married
> life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now
> that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In
> fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on
> my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring
> husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I
> was, and generally started becoming a pain in the
> neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended
> up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed
> my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my
> surprise and satisfaction! , all of the stains came
> out! In fact, the stains came out so well the
> detectives who came by yesterday told me that the
> DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my
> attorney called and said that I was no longer
> considered a suspect in the disappearance of my
> husband.
>
> What a relief! Going through menopause is
> bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank
> you, once again, for having a great product.
>
> Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty
> bag people.

**Moderator**

rsablebomb, hilarious!!!

**Moderator**

For women who need a laugh and men who think they can handle it

======================================
Marriage (Part I )

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time
I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless
I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing
when I want with my old buddies, and don't you
give me a hard time about it.
Those are my rules. Any comments?'

His new bride said:
'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

(DARN SHE'S GOOD!)

************************************************

Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on th e day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'

'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'

(HE ASKED FOR IT!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.

Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no
good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.

After some time he realizes he was nasty and
decides to make amends and rings her up.

She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'

She says, 'I was in bed.'

'In bed this early, doing what?'

'Getting a second opinion!'

(YEP, HE HAD THAT COMING, TOO!)

*****************************************

Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.

He is so proud of himself, that he starts callin g his
wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'

His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion,
shouts right back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'

(RIGHT ON, LADY!)

*****************************************

THE SILENT TREATMENT

A man and his wife were having some problems at home
and were giving each other the silent treatment.

Suddenly the man realized that the next day he would need his wife
to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning business flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece
of paper,'Please wake me at 5:00 AM.' He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go to see why his wife hadn't wakened him when he
noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, 'It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.'

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

*****************************************

God may have created man before woman, but there
is always a rough draft before the masterpiece.

************** ***************************

**Moderator**

I could not decide if this was a quote or a joke:

"Hangovers are the wrath of grapes." Anonymous
#quote #joke