CLOSED $25N/D To Win! Something Funny Contest

**Moderator**

you guys are funny

Posted:14.01.2008, 16:05

FUNNY STUFF!!! REALLY, I HAVE SHARED A FEW WITH FRIENDS AT WORK! GOOD GOOD STUFF!

Posted:14.01.2008, 19:46

At a motivational seminar 3 men are asked to come up to the stage.
They are all asked, "When you are in your casket and friends and family are mourning upon you, what would you like to hear them say about you?
The first guy says, "I would like to hear them say that I was the great doctor of my time, and a great family man."
The second guy says, "I would like to hear that I was a wonderful husband and school teacher who made a huge difference in our children of tomorrow."
The last guy replies, "I would like to hear them say...... LOOK!!! HE'S MOVING!!!!!"

This is funny but not as funny as some that I have read, I hope you are picking the winner by random!!!

Posted:14.01.2008, 21:21

I just thought everyone should know this:

As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is freedom, in water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. coli) bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop. However, we do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or tequila, rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and/or fermenting. Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit.

There is no need to thank me for passing on this valuable information.

gwendolyna

Posted:14.01.2008, 21:23

What Women Want in a Man
What women want in a man at age 22:

1. Handsome
2. Charming
3. Financially successful
4. A caring listener
5. Witty
6. In good shape
7. Dresses with style
8. Appreciates finer things
9. Full of thoughtful surprises
10. An imaginative, romantic lover

What women want in a man at age 32:

1. Nice looking (preferably with hair)
2. Opens car doors, holds chairs
3. Has enough money for a nice dinner
4. Listens more than talks
5. Laughs at my jokes
6. Carries bags of groceries with ease
7. Owns at least one tie
8. Appreciates a good home-cooked meal
9. Remembers birthdays and anniversaries
10. Seeks romance at least once a week

What women want in a man at age 42:

1. Not too ugly (bald head is fine)
2. Doesn't drive off until I'm in the car
3. Works steady - splurges on dinner out occasionally
4. Nods head when I'm talking
5. Usually remembers punch lines of jokes
6. Is in good enough shape to rearrange the furniture
7. Wears a shirt that covers his stomach
8. Knows not to buy champagne with screw-top lids
9. Remembers to put the toilet seat down
10. Shaves most weekends

What women want in a man at age 52:

1. Keeps hair in nose and ears trimmed
2. Doesn't belch or scratch in public
3. Doesn't borrow money too often
4. Doesn't nod off to sleep when I'm venting
5. Doesn't re-tell the same joke too many times
6. Is in good enough shape to get off couch on weekends
7. Usually wears matching socks and fresh underwear
8. Appreciates a good TV dinner
9. Remembers your name on occasion
10. Shaves some weekends

What women want in a man at age 62:

1. Doesn't scare small children
2. Remembers where bathroom is
3. Doesn't require much money for upkeep
4. Only snores lightly when asleep
5. Remembers why he's laughing
6. Is in good enough shape to stand up by himself
7. Usually wears some clothes
8. Likes soft foods
9. Remembers where he left his teeth
10. Remembers that it's the weekend

What women want in a man at age 72:

1. Breathing
2. Doesn't miss the toilet

Posted:14.01.2008, 21:53

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

**Moderator**

Posted:14.01.2008, 22:26

Posted:14.01.2008, 22:35

Heres one just let me know if it offends and I will delete

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in
despair, he has his first meeting with the devil...

Satan: 'Why so glum?'

Guy: 'What do you think? I'm in hell!'

Satan: 'Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here. You
a
drinking man?'

Guy: 'Sure, I love to drink.'

Satan: 'Well, you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays, that's all we
do
is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, Tab, and Fresca.. We
drink 'til we throw up, and then we drink some more! And you don't have
to
worry about getting a hangover, because you're dead anyway.'
Guy: 'Gee that sounds great!'

Satan: 'You a smoker?'

Guy: 'You better believe it!'

Satan: 'All right! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars
from
all over the world, and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no
biggie,
you're already dead, remember?'

Guy: 'Wow...that's awesome!'

Satan: 'I bet you like to gamble.'

Guy: 'Why, yes, as a matter of fact I do.'

Satan: 'Good, 'cause Wednesdays you can gamble all you want. Craps,
blackjack, roulette, poker, slots, whatever. If you go bankrupt, it
doesn't
matter, you're dead anyhow.'

Guy: 'Cool!'

Satan: 'What about Drugs?'

Guy: 'Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...?'

Satan: 'That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big
bowl of crack or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can
do
all the drugs you want. You're dead so who cares.'

Guy: 'Wow! I never realized Hell was such a cool place!'

Satan: 'You gay?'

Guy: 'No...'

Satan: 'Ooooh, Fridays are gonna be tough...

Posted:14.01.2008, 22:45

These are really funny ................I am crying from some of these I think I'll have to pass on this one can't top these!!(LOL)

Posted:15.01.2008, 01:33

**Moderator**

**Moderator**

nettelarr42794, No worries... We have a few offensive posts...
I guess offensive is ok here as long as it is not insulting
someone's heritage or something

Only posts that are NOT funny will be deleted

Posted:16.01.2008, 12:42

OK I WAS JUST TOLD THIS JOKE,

A LITTLE BOY AND HIS GRANDPA WENT TO THE MALL AND WAS SHOPPING AROUND....THE BOY NOTICED THAT HIS GRANDPA WAS NOT BY HIS SIDE....... SO HE RUNS UP TO SECURITY AND SAYS I AM LOST I CAN'T FIND MY GRANDPA .........THE OFFICER ASKS "WHATS HE LIKE,"...........THE LITTLE BOY THINKS FOR A MINUTE AND THEN REPLIES, "CROWN ROYAL WHISKEY AND WOMEN WITH BIG BOOBS"

Posted:16.01.2008, 12:47

I heard a guy talking about what he got for Christmas the other day; a piece of ass and a pair of socks and both were too big. I thought it was too funny!!!
mplaster