CLOSED | Best One Liner Jokes | Free Joke Contest | $30

Posted:05.05.2009, 06:28

Why was the snowman smiling?

Cause the SNOWBLOWER was coming!

[ did i post this already? can't remember! lolll]

Posted:05.05.2009, 21:25

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
2. You call that a knife, that ain't no knife
this here's a knife
3. My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met.
- Rodney Dangerfield
4. I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Rodney Dangerfield
5. go ahead make my day

6. I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her.
- Rodney Dangerfield
7. "Everytime you open your mouth, you prove your an idiot!"

8. ''Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?'' The doctor says, ''Limp!'' - Henny Youngman
9. Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?
- Henny Youngman

Posted:07.05.2009, 20:13

What do you call a woman with one leg?
- Ilene

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs sitting on your front porch?
- Matt

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool?
- Bob

**Moderator**

You guys are cracking me up!

Posted:11.05.2009, 02:29

This is a bunch of one-liners put together ~

SUMMERY OF LIFE

GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:

1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats.
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food.
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.

GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:

1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt..
3) Families are like fudge..mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.

GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD:

1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician..
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

THE FOUR STAGES OF LIFE:

1) You believe in Santa Claus.
2) You don't believe in Santa Claus.
3) You are Santa Claus.
4) You look like Santa Claus.

SUCCESS:

At age 4 success is . . . not piddling in your pants.
At age 12 success is . . . having friends.
At age 17 success is . having a drivers license.
At age 35 success is . .. having money.
At age 50 success is . . having money.
At age 70 success is . . .. having a drivers license.
At age 75 success is . having friends..
At age 80 success is . .. not piddling in your pants.

Posted:12.05.2009, 04:28

How do you get 99 old ladies to say "f***" at the same time?
Yell "Bingo!"

What is the difference between a supermarket shopping bag and Michael Jackson?
One is made of plastic and is very dangerous to children; the other holds groceries

What is a Yankee?
The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone

Posted:12.05.2009, 05:23

did you read the paper yesterday ?
a dwarf clairvoyant escaped from jail
headline read
Small Medium at Large

**Moderator**

**Moderator**

gjr1961 FUNNY!!!!

Posted:12.05.2009, 20:00

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire!!!

Posted:12.05.2009, 20:50

take my wife....please

Posted:14.05.2009, 12:37

The husband says to the wife: hey honey why dont we switch positions tonight?

The wife answers: Okay you come stand by the ironing board, and i'll sit on the couch and fart!

Posted:14.05.2009, 12:43

A guy gets on the bus and sits in the front. The man next to him is shaking his hand and shaking his hand, So he says whats wrong? The guy says : oh a pinch in the nerve from a wound in the war.

So he gets up and goes to the middle of the bus and there is another guy shanking his hand over and over. He says dont mind me, a pinch in the nerve from a wound in the war.

So he goes to the back of the bus and the same thing happens , So he says I know, dont tell me. A pinch in the nerve from a wound in the war. He says No a bugger on my finger and I cant get it off!

Posted:15.05.2009, 01:38

Posted:15.05.2009, 02:46

I have a photographic memory , just a pity it never developed