CLOSED | Best Jokes | Free Contest at No Luck Needed | $30

**Moderator**

Best Jokes | Free Contest at No Luck Needed | $30 Cash Prize
This Contest is free for all No Luck Needed members. Not a member? join for free today.
This contest is closed. The winner was selected randomly by a number pick.
Congrats to rebeccalynne123

Best Jokes - Free Contest at NoLuckNeeded.com
Win $30 Free Cash USD
Post a funny joke to enter this contest.
This contest will end in August, 2009.
The Winner will be paid in USD by postal mail.
The winner may be picked because the joke is the best or
the winner may be selceted by a random drawing.

Posted:10.08.2009, 08:03

A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little boy sees an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa, I bet I can put that worm back in that hole." The grandfather replies, "Ill bet you five dollars you cant. Its too wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. The boy then proceeds to put the worm back into the hole. The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray and runs into the house.

Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and hands the boy another five dollars. The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars." The grandfather replies, "I know. Thats from your Grandma."

Posted:10.08.2009, 08:25

cute brunett

Posted:10.08.2009, 08:34

Enron Capitalism

Feudalism: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

Communism: You have two cows. You must take care of them, but the government takes all the
milk.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Enron Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt-equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred through an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The Enron annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more.

**Moderator**

brunett, That joke is much longer... it is a few pages and does every country with the cows!

Here are a few more from memory:

French: You have 2 cows. You go on strike because you want 3 cows.

USA Capitalism: You have 2 cows. You sell one and expect the other cow to produce the milk of 20 cows. You are suprised when the cow dies.

Swiss: You have 1000 cows. None of them are yours and you charge everyone to hold the cows.

India: You have 2 cows. You worship them both.

Japan: You have 2 cows. You genetically engineer them to produce the milk of 100 cows and live forever.

Posted:10.08.2009, 09:26

My
Dear Wife,

You
will surely understand that I have certain needs that you,
being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy
with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after
reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly
interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening
with
my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn
Hotel. Please
don't be upset I shall be home before
midnight.

When
the man came home late that night, he found the following
letter on the dining room
table:

My Dear Husband,

I
received your letter and thank you for your honesty about
my
being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity
to
remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I
am
a math teacher at our local college. I would like to
inform
you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel
Fiesta
with Michael, one of my students, who is also the
assistant
tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your
secretary,
is 18 years old.

As a successful businessman
who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will
understand
that we are in the same situation, although with one small
difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime
tomorrow.

Posted:10.08.2009, 09:39

Booo73 ROTFLMA!!

Posted:10.08.2009, 10:25

Did you hear about Robin Hood's house?
It has a little John.

~~~~~

One evening a family brings their frail, elderly mother to a nursing home and leaves her, hoping she will be well cared for. The next morning, the nurses bathe her, feed her a tasty breakfast, and set her in a chair at a window overlooking a lovely flower garden. She seems OK, but after a while she slowly starts to lean over sideways in her chair.
Two attentive nurses immediately rush up to catch her and straighten her up. Again she seems OK, but after a while she starts to tilt to the other side. The nurses rush back and once more bring her back upright. This goes on all morning.
Later the family arrives to see how the old woman is adjusting to her new home. "So Ma, how is it here? Are they treating you all right?" They ask.
"It's pretty nice," she replies. "Except they won't let you fart.

Submitted

Posted:10.08.2009, 10:32

MENTAL HOSPITAL PHONE MENU

Hello and thank you for calling The State Mental Hospital.

Please select from the following options menu:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.

If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.

If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want, stay on the line so we can trace your call.

If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be forwarded to the Mother Ship.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a little voice will tell you which number to press.

If you are manic-depressive, it doesn’t matter which number you press, nothing will make you happy anyway.

If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.

If you are bipolar, please leave a message after the beep or before the beep or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.

If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.

If you have low self-esteem, please hang up our operators are too busy to talk with you.

If you are menopausal, put the gun down, hang up, turn on the fan, lie down and cry. You won’t be crazy forever.

If you are blonde, don’t press any buttons, you’ll just mess it up.

This coming week is National Mental Health Care week. You can do your part by remembering to contact at least one unstable person to show you care.

(Well, my job is done …..Your turn!)

Posted:10.08.2009, 10:54

Forrest Gump is wrong,
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates,
it's like a jar of jalapenos.
You never know when it's going to burn your ass.

~~~~~

Posted:10.08.2009, 12:37

Woo~ I love Joke contest...Ty.

Clinton and Bush are sitting in front of the television watching the six o'clock news. The main story is a man threatening to jump off the Clifton Suspension Bridge on to the busy road below. Clinton turns to Bush and says: "I bet you 5,000 that he jumps!" to which Bush replies "5,000? Done! I bet that he doesn't." So they shake hands on the bet and continue watching. Sure enough, the man jumps and hits the road below with a loud thud. Bush takes 5,000 out of his back pocket and hands it to Clinton, but he refuses.
"I can't take your money, Clinton says. "The truth is, I was cheating. I saw the five o'clock news, so I knew he was going to jump." "No, that money is yours fair and square. I was cheating just as you were, says Bush. I saw the five o'clock news, too. I just didn't think he would do it again."

Posted:10.08.2009, 12:45

A farmer is sitting in the neighbourhood bar getting soused. A man comes in and asks the farmer, "Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So what happened that is so horrible?
Farmer: Well if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow milking her. Just as I go the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.
Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what happened.
Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her. Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.
Man: Again?
Farmer: Something's ya just can't explain.
Man: So, what did you do then?
Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.
Man: So then what did you do?
Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocks over the bucket with her tail.
Man: Wow you must have been pretty upset!
Farmer: Some things you just can't explain.
Man: So then what did you do.
Farmer: Well I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter. In that moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.

This one made me laugh so hard!!!

Posted:10.08.2009, 12:48

A young Italian bride was having a talk with her mother on her wedding night. She said, "Mama, I'va never been with a man before and I'm ascared. Whattama gonna do?"
Her mother says, "Baby, just go to your husband, and you'll know what to do".
So, the nervous bride goes upstairs to her husband and closes the bedroom door behind her.
While she's standing across the room, her husband takes off his shirt.
"Oh, my goodness" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother.
"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a chest!"
Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have a hairy chest. Now go up back to your husband."
The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door. Her husband takes off his pants. "Oh me goodness!" she screams as she runs out the door and down the stairs to her mother.
"MaMa, he's a gotta hair all over his a legs!" Her mother replies, "Honey, that's OK, he's a man, he's supposed to have hairy legs. Now go. Go to your husband."
The nervous bride again goes back upstairs to the bedroom and closes the door behind her. As her husband takes off his socks, she notices that half of his left foot has been cut off, Mafia style.
"Oh my goodness!" she again screams as she runs down the stairs to her mother.
"MaMa, he's a got a foot-and-a-half!"
Her mother says, "A foot and a half? Honey, you stay here, I'm going upstairs"

Posted:10.08.2009, 14:56

O.k. This one's a little naughty and dirty and I hope I won't offend anyone...was just too funny. A Saudi was being interviewed at the US Embassy to obtain visa,

Consul: 'Your name please?'
Saudi: 'Sheikh Abdul-Aziz. '
Consul: 'Sex?'
Saudi: 'Six time a week.'
Consul: 'I meant, male or female?'
Saudi: 'Both male and female, sometime even camels.'
Consul: 'Holy cow!'
Saudi: 'Yes, cows & dogs too.'
Consul: 'Man, isn't that hostile?'
Saudi: 'Horse style, dog style, any style !'
Consul: 'Oh dear!'
Saudi: 'Deer? No deer, they run too fast..!!

Posted:10.08.2009, 15:12

Yeah... My wife!
A guy came into a bar one day and said to the barman "Give me six double vodkas." The barman says, "Wow! you must have had one hell of a day." "Yes, I've just found out my older brother is gay." The next day the same guy came into the bar and asked for the same drinks. When the bartender asked what the problem was today, the answer came back. "I've just found out that my younger brother is gay too!" On the third day the guy came into the bar and ordered another six double vodkas. The bartender said: "Jesus! Doesn't anybody in your family like women?" "Yeah... My wife!"