Age: 37
Joined: 13 Dec 2011
Posts: 46
Likes: 43
Location: New York
205780.00 NLN Dollars
Tournament Dollars
|
No problem, the crazy thing is when I went there I was 19, the rest were middle age men, and one guy who was in his mid 20's toward the end of my stay. Out of 5 married couples 4 got divorces, and I still talk to almost all them and it was about 5 years ago, and all of them don't gamble, but I have been around the GA gambling addict crowd, and the NA, AA Alcohol and substance counselor, there was also a girl in one of my rehabs who had Bulimia and a few of us would go to the EDA meetings, Eating Disorder anonymous, and I have been to a lot of meetings a lot of rehabs for a lot of different things, but it was 99% female and I've never seen so much pain from an addiction as Anorexia, and Bulimia, and I could relate, a lot of them started those habits from poor self esteem and body image issues, when I was 14 I lost 75lbs in about 6 1/2- 8 months, I took steroids when I was 17, and 18 and put on a good 40-50 lbs of muscle, Ironically when I was on steroids I hurt my back, pushing my self to limit doing dead lifts with poor form, which led to my painkiller usage and a long battle with addiction, and using drugs and being sedentary, I lost most of the work I put in over those 5 years, once I got mono in college I stopped working out, since then I haven't strung together anything significant exercise wise in over 5 years, I started smoking, I work jobs that require 60 hours a week but in put 90-100+ because I'm a workaholic. At 24years old I'm finally starting to learn that taking shortcuts has repercussions, that I'm not going to get rich overnight, that I wont be on the cover of Mens Health in the next year, and working 90-100 hours doesn't make me more money because I get burned out and my performance is hindered. What Ive learned is when it comes to opiates I cant personally cant use them at all, but if was to have a beer I wouldn't have a full blown relapse like NA says, I hate the taste of alcohol anyway, and if I gamble and spend $40 a month, and the rest being free chips, I'm not gonna take a credit card and spend 10grand and chase my losses. On the flip side it took me a long time, about 40% of my life to learn that you can't get fixed overnight, there's no magic cure, no magic pill that will end your addiction, it comes from finding out what makes you do what you do. I thought at first when I was told there is a reason you get high or gamble a lot, other than the fact I liked getting high or gambling. I did it because I wasn't comfortable in my skin. I was 5 10 5 11 190-200lbs 10% or less body fat, and I was wearing expensive clothes, I had a $250 belt lol, how stupid is that? I had outfits that cost almost $2,000, and if you include the shoes over $2,000, I sold drugs not for the money, all though it was nice, but it was the power I had over people or so I thought in my immature mind. When I was 17 I sold to 5 bar owners around, a pizza place owner, and a few other business owners. I got into bars VIP rooms at 17-18 without being carded, know I'd get carded wherever Id go if I went, but I left that life, what feels a life time ago. For a while all I could do was wish I could go back into time and live those years over, and I was 20-22 yrs old. Then I light bulb went off, why do I wish I could be a teen again? Why do I want to go back words? When battling addiction you want to go forwards make progress, not regress. Even If I could go back in time, I would change the fact I used steroids so young, I may have never got hurt, and I might never be able to have children, I don't know what the repercussions may be, and I couldn't in my rite mind sell drugs if I went back into time, I was 17-18 making 400-500$ during a school year, and 600-800 in the summer is great for a kid that age in 2004-2006 who doesn't pay rent or have a care in the world. I estimate Ive swallowed, shot, sniffed, smoked, bought(expensive clothes that don't fit), pawned(my Jewelry), ate (fancy) folded, bluffed, bad beat, spun, held, scratched, penciled in, and quick picked away a 3000 sqft home, 2 cars, and $20,000+ in savings, plus a boat, a winter home in Boca, and jet skis, in trips in rehab, detox, paying for medication, Lawyers, court costs, Bail, gas to drive 40,000 miles a year, missing out on stock opportunities. Easily 7 figures spent in bad decisions with I'm sure more I don't remember o and bad credit, throw that in their, I didn't care about it 3 years ago, now I realize its as vital as saving money and having a good job. If I kept wishing I would find a time machine to take me back to change it all, I would have let another 5 years go by, be in my 30's with no to show except debt collectors calling me, and the top bunk at a TC, with a counselor with half my IQ telling me I need to take a trade like office assistant, where they teach me how to use a computer, or me charging people a few Newports to tutor them how to do simple math, and other things you learn from 1st grade on, so they could get there GED at 35+ years old. Every action has a consequence. What is it one of Newtons Laws of Physics, where every action has an equal or opposite reaction? When I learned my actions not only effected me, but my family and those around, and I'm not going to lie I sat there and cried. Ive cried when I was finally sober and realized what I did, I cried when I took a credit card that was meant for emergencies only and spent 10g on it, and ended up in a psych ward for 3 days (i wrote why in the story above), I cant count how many times when I relapsed again and just could think a simple word why?, I like to think I can answer or help a lot of people with their situations but I couldn't answer my own, and help myself, and I wanted to be able to trust people after what I had seen, but its scary, scarier than any horror movie, when you legitimately cant trust yourself, the last time I ever got high I stole my fathers debit card, and took $100, and they obviously found out, I asked them, actually begged them to let me go to detox, then press charges on me so I would be in Prison, so I would have a few years away from relapsing (obviously there's drugs in prison, but not enough to get hooked), and they wouldn't do it, I wanted to go live in a shelter (believe me when I tell you when your so deep in addiction, and especially when your fresh in detox you don't have an oz of common sense lol), the social worker even told me there was no places available and she would get me set up in a shelter (lazy c*nt), it took my mother 15 minutes on the internet and 1 phone call to find me a long term program. Right when I got there I wanted to get a job and live there, but those places don't work like that. First you spend 30 days in orientation (I got out in 15 because I participated a lot), then new members, or anyone going to court needs an escort, to go out with them you need 3 months there, I escorted the first time after 45 days, and escorted every day for the next 2 m 1/2 months, going out every day (people loved me as an escort, because as long as they didn't get high or wander off, id let them go see there girl or family if we had time, when other escorts wouldn't because you could get in trouble). I had the best counselor in the entire place, he was the kind of guy who let you have your freedom, but if you screwed up he wouldn't trust you at all. He wanted me to spend 4 months taking a trade, either cooking, cosmetology, maintenance , building, or office assistant. I told my counselor if I didn't get a job in a week I would take any of those trades. Now if anyone has seen Law and order, or any movie where you see a guy in prison represent himself because all he did was study law.... Well in spare time all I did was read books on sales, resume building, and even tried to learn Spanish ( I had 6 Spanish speaking roommates out of 7) but I didn't pick it up to well lol, but I had compiled 7-8 notebooks filled with notes and I sent my resume to 3 places the first day, I go interviewed by all 3 the next day, and was offered the job by all 3, and by the end of the week I had 10 job offers, after 10 interviews, I worked in this cash advance sales room. It was very small so I knew I could make my mark quickly. I brought in every new client in the entire 6 months I was there, the last two being a Wealthy Hotel owner, out of confidentiality I won't say his name, but I had his personal cell phone number in mine, and closed a half million dollar deal with him, the same day I closed a deal for roughly $400,000 to a southern restaurant chain owner, with over10 companies competing with me, and the last two I closed that week the last week I worked there was a Kosher Chinese food place for $25,000, and a seafood restaurant in the Hamptons. I ended up getting screwed bad on my paycheck, and I quit, (I'm not a bigot, but they were Orthodox Jews who bragged about being cheap whenever they could, they called it J-dubbing people lol) go figure, but I finally found something I was good at which is hard to explain when your a fck up your whole life, but it feels good. There were two other things that happened at my stay at this program that helped me build character, and become a mature productive person in society. The first was my roommate, I had a bottom bunk and he was to the left of me, he had 2 1/2 or 3 years clean between being in Jail, and his time at the program. He relapsed and shot a bad bag of heroin two weeks after he left, he was 35 had a wife, and two kids he loved to death. I saw him on life support, and I have never seen anyone on life support, and if you haven't ever seen it, it's scary seeing a lifeless body, and they "jump" in a way like they got electrocuted, from the life support machine. He died the next day. The other problem I had in life was self sabotaging, and not finishing, and running from things in my life. This place had a very low graduation rate, under 5% maybe under 3% even, and I stuck through for 7 months, not court mandated, and "graduated". So I completed something I didn't want to at first, I saw that someone who did the same drug I did die, and I had never seen that happen, and I hadn't gotten high in over 7 months, so it wasn't even a thought. Ive been to "vacahabs", expensive rehabs that give you massages, you eat good, have 1 on 1 therapy, specialists, the whole 9, but what ended up working was the state run, gritty, prison replacement, and I made friends with people who in another setting would have never met, had these ex- cons escort me to court, and since I lived upstate I'd have all day out, and they would come meet my parents, and I never would even introduce my friends to them, and the gay kids there were friends with everyone (except one who thought he was a chick, even the gay kids hated him), but they were funny as hell, and they escorted me to court as well, I realized in that place, that it wasn't just me in the world who had a screwed up life, it was people from all walks of life, with all kinds of addictions, I left 2 weeks before I turned 22 and I swear I have seen enough and survived more than an 88 year old. The same kid who used to sell drugs to make a quick buck but risk it all, is now a man who works, and does side work online, and don't make close to over 3,000 a week, and I spend a lot more time. The first gift card I won on this website, I had a fleeting thought of who can I sell this two, but I ended up giving it to my father, its nothing compared to what I put him, and my parents through, but I have started to think about others, I'm not the center of the universe, If I died today, life would go on tomorrow, the sun would rise, people would go to work lol as an addict everything came down to how or what can I benefit from this guy or that girl, now It's I hope this helps somebody, or maybe a mother or father reads this, and can help their child if they are going through an addiction, I spent my lunch break writing this, and I would write it 10x over if it helped one person, because I was one of the lucky ones, I know there are a lot of people I used to hang out there that aren't doing good, or are in prison, or dead, like I always say, every day for me is a freeroll, a free chip, a No Deposit Bonus Code, I shouldn't even be playing but I'm lucky enough to get the chance, and I don't take that for granted, some days I won't lie I think about my old life, and my brain tries to say its ok, just once it won't hurt, but that's not true. I don't ever want to have to think about how I will get my next fix ever again. I'm thinking the Knicks better not lose to the Wizards tonight, its opening day at Yankee Stadium, its spring, and life is good. I hope anyone dealing with addiction and "asks themselves why can't I live a normal life" sees this and realize you can, I know what it's like to see people laughing and your just numb, and you wish you were able to laugh and feel again and it brings you to tears, and I tell you it is possible, it's not easy but its possible, all I had to do was put in a fraction of the effort I used to support my addiction to stop my addiction.
RIP Louis 19??-2010
|
|
)
= 
, the rest of the games can stay and I'll be fine......
