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Age: 72
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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland. Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?" Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it. "I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.
The Scottish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye FOOM! the oceans were teaming with fish.
The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity." Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye POOF! there was a huge wall around England.
The Irishman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall." The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."
The Irishman says, "Fill it up with water."
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Age: 57
Joined: 24 Oct 2007
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Location: Minnesota
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3 Blind (drunk) Mice
Three macho mice are sitting at a bar discussing just how tough they were. The first mouse slams a shot and says: "I play with mouse traps for fun. I'll run into one on purpose and as it is closing on me, I grab the bar and bench press it 20 to 30 times." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The second mouse slams a shot and says: "That's nothing. I take those poison bait tablets, cut them up, and snort them, just for the fun of it." And, with that, he slams another shot.
The third mouse slams a shot, gets up, and turns to walk away.
"Where the hell do you think you're going?" ask his friends.
The third mouse stops and replies: "I'm going home to shag the cat."
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Age: 54
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Dave The Hen
Dave came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was already asleep.
He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are you?', demanded Dave, 'And what are you doing in my bedroom?'
The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St. Peter.
Dave was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got to send me back straight away.'
St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a
catch. We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'
Dave was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.
A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking around, pecking the ground.
'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, how are you enjoying your first day here ?'
'It's not so bad', replies Dave, 'but I have this strange feeling inside like I'm about to explode.'
'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before.'
'Never', replies Dave.
'Well just relax and let it happen'.
And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an
egg pops out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood for the first time.
When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen
was the best thing that ever happened to him . . . Ever!!!
The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife shouting...
'Dave, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed!!'
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Age: 54
Joined: 05 Oct 2006
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The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a
>> surrogate father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was
>> to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and said, 'Well, I'm off
>> now. The man should be here soon.'
>>
>>
>>
>> Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
>> happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. 'Good morning,
>> Ma'am', he said, 'I've come to...'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Oh, no need to explain,' Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, 'I've been
>> expecting you.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Have you really?' said the photographer. 'Well, that's good. Did you
>> know babies are my specialty?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a
>> seat !.
>>
>>
>>
>> After a moment she asked, blushing, 'Well, where do we start?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
>> couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room
>> floor is fun. You can really spread out there.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
>> me!'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we
>> try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles,
>> I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'My, that's a lot!', gasped Mrs. Smith.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be In
>> and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that.'
>>
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Don't I know it,' said Mrs. Smith quietly.
>>
>>
>>
>> The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his
>> baby pictures. 'This was done on the top of a bus,' he said.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Oh, my God!' Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their
>> mother was so difficult to work with.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'She was difficult?' asked Mrs. Smith.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to get the
>> job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a
>> good look'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Four and five deep?' said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Yes', the photographer replied. 'And for more than three hours, too.
>> The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly
>> concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots.
>> Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had
>> to pack it all in.'
>>
>>
>>
>> Mrs. Smith leaned forward. 'Do you mean they actually chewed on your,
>> uh...equipment?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod
>> and we can get to work right away.'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Tripod?'
>>
>>
>>
>> 'Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much
>> too big to be held in the hand very long.'
>>
>> Mrs. Smith fainted
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Age: 54
Joined: 05 Oct 2006
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Butt Measurements
>
>
> A man and his wife were working in their garden - the man looks over at his
>
> wife and says: 'Your butt is getting really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the
> barbecue.'
>
> With that, he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measured the grill and then
>
> measured his wife's bottom.
>
> 'Yep, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the barbecue!!!'
>
> The woman chose to ignore her husband.
>
> Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky.He makes some
> advances towards
>
> his wife who completely brushes him off.
>
> 'What's wrong?' he asks.
>
> She answers:
>
> 'Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-ass grill for one little
> sausage!!
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Joined: 11 Mar 2006
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FUNNY STUFF!! 
_________________
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Last chance!!! 
_________________
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The jokes were so funny it was hard to pick a winner, but here it is:
gjr1961, you win $40 cash!!!! Send me a private message to collect!
« gjr1961 » wrote:
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa shows up with his attorney.
The auditor said, "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Grandpa. "How about a demonstration?"
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."
Grandpa says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my eye."
The auditor thinks a moment and says, "It's a bet."
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."
Now, the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
"Want to go double or nothing?" Grandpa asks "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.
"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
_________________
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Age: 72
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Wtg gjr1961
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Age: 57
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Congrats gjr1961, Hope you feel better
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TDTAT! 
~ BE HAPPY!!!
